Life After Brain Surgery

A week ago my family was all meeting up at a parking garage outside of University of Maryland Medical Center Baltimore, gathering our belongings necessary for the long day ahead, and rushing inside to get to where I needed to be by my 5:30 appt time. Sadly, the hospital sent us on a long run around until we finally landed right where we needed to be, but we got there. Tension was high among the group, of course. The nervousness in the air; palpable.

I was asked if I was ready, more times than a few. How do you answer that? How are you ever ready to risk leaving your family behind? How are you ever ready to risk not coming back to them the same as you left them? So I lied. I was ready, yes. I lied and said I was fine. I lied and said I was going to be okay. I was petrified.

Questions began, IV was started, prepping was moving at the speed of light, but I was still stuck. Lingering, waiting for my entire family to hug me all at once. What would be my last thing to say to each one of them? How do you decide that? You cannot scare the kids, Kristen. You cannot upset your sisters, Kris. And my God, don’t let my parents feel my fear.

Last night I was asked what I felt in those moments. What was it that I told myself to help me get through it and make the final decision to go through with it.

The answer is my life. I wanted my life back. The vibrant, exuberant, fly by the seat of her pants girl was gone. She was replaced long ago by a zombie of a woman that was barely surviving this world. She could no longer head out on grand adventures, planned or otherwise. She spent her days hardly able to make it up and down the stairs let alone to a school event with homemade brownies.

She couldn’t make it to concerts with her sisters anymore. She had to cancel plans with friends more times than a few. She couldn’t get outside and run around with her two sons anymore. Life as she knew it ceased to exist.

But this morning. 7 days after the scariest decision of her life, that girl woke up at 5 am without an alarm clock, went downstairs without a single creaking or aching bone (stairs are a different story), and made herself a cup of coffee. Do you realize how long it has been since that has happened? I won’t count the nights where sleep never happened and I got up at 5 to start a day after a night of no rest. I’m talking actually slept for hours, woke up, went down, and made my own damn coffee??

Let’s ask my little baristas when they wake. I bet ya it’s been a while.

Good morning, world. It’s good to be back.

Chronic Haze: The Sad Truth of Chronic Illnesses

For many years I have felt as if I’m living in a haze. A mere shadow of my former self. Not the woman I once was. And surely not the woman I intended to be at 35. Weak is an understatement. Tired doesn’t even begin to describe the level of exhaustion that I face. I want the old me back.

I want to go back to that vibrant and wild eyed woman who would drop everything for life’s next adventure. The girl that was always in the mood to dance with her kids or a perfect stranger if the timing was right. The girl who loved to spend hours in the kitchen baking treats and cooking extravagant meals.

I have become a zombie. A shell of a human. A remnant of the woman I once was. It is unfair. It is cruel. And it is depressing.

It is going to be a long road of recovery, and I am already fully aware of that. I just know that once I climb this mountain, I am going to find her again. Waiting on the other side. Ready to greet me with a cup of hot tea and a million ideas about what we can do next. She’s in there, she’s waiting.

Monday Morning Ready!

Good morning all. I know it’s been a while since I posted anything or read any blogs. My health has been my primary focus lately. Brain surgery in 23 days!! But, while I’ve been basically bedridden, I have been doing a lot of thinking.

I have a million ideas for projects, community involvement, books I want to write, and opinion pieces I want to write. However, my brain is total mush!

Any suggestions for organizing my thoughts and getting these projects underway? 🤔

I’ve Got Nothing

Hi guys. It’s been a little while. I’m trying to write everyday, but as you can probably guess, most of it is in a journal and not published here. I am still trying to figure out what I want to say. And I’ve got nothing.

My computer crashed last week. It felt like someone lopped off my arm. Seriously. I had no idea how close of a relationship we had until that little joker (I want to use so many other words here) decided it wanted to just quit on me. Gave up. Like all the rest. Anyway, that’s a story for another day.

Thankfully, I spent a great deal of money a few years back to buy my kids an all-in-one desktop. So guess who has it now? LOL. I think I will buy them a new one instead of replacing my crappy laptop. We shall see.

I’ve been letting a lot of thoughts float around in my head. I will get a word here and there….then nothing. I cannot seem to string things together. I’ve got nothing.

Do you ever feel like that? Like you have so much yet nothing at all? That’s how I feel sometimes. Like all that I have, all that I own, still adds up to nothing. It’s a strange feeling, actually. I feel myself going through something. I’m just not able to figure it out right now. I’ve got nothing.

Stay tuned. Perhaps I will share some recent poetry tonight. After lecture that is!

~Kristen

 

Struggling

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Hi everyone,

So, I’ve been working more on my book. Not nearly as much as I should be, to be honest. But I think I know why I have struggled with it so much. I really feel that the topic of the book is such a taboo subject, it may not be received well in certain groups. That frightens me! Majorly frightens me. But I have to get out of my comfort zone. I have to write the story that I have in my head (and heart) and get it out there. Who cares if it’s not for everyone? Who cares if I am judged for the topic of choice? Many authors before me have been judged for what they choose to write. Whether it’s fiction, non-fiction, fantasy, or otherwise.

I have to realize I am not writing for everyone. I am writing for me. I am writing because I have a story I want to tell. It is a healing process for me. A way to get the story inside of me out. And just because certain groups may not approve of the character or her motives, there will be some groups that will. This story may be what a lonely, broken soul needs to read in order to realize she is not alone in this world. Perhaps that is my purpose here on this Earth-to help others realize they are not their mistakes.

Back to writing…..have a great day!

~Kristen

Good Things Come to Those Who…

Do things for themselves! Ah, I bet you thought I was going somewhere else with that, didn’t ya? Well I have completed my degree (Wooohoooo!) and I’ve been applying like crazy for a new job. I upgraded my blog so I now have a domain name (Yay me!). And the novel is coming along quite well. I have some great ideas to make this like no other novel you’ve read before! No, seriously though, it’s going to be awesome. 


Well, I’m just checking in to ask you guys to support me in a few things. 

  • Can you please check out my book of poetry on Amazon? It’s even on Kindle! If you read it, please leave a review.
  • Can you also head over to my new website and sign up for my mailing list? I promise no spam, just updates on the novel I’m writing.
  • And could you also think good thoughts for me as I prepare for an interview next week? It’s one of the jobs I’ve been hoping for!

Thanks for all of the support!

~Kristen