Chasm

In the deep recesses of my soul, the darkened chasm of my existence.
You brought the light to guide me.
Showed me my destiny with your persistence.
The laughter that you brought echoed in the dark. My soul was warmed by your words, no longer cold and stark.
A burning ember, flickered in the darkness.
Igniting passion within the depths of nothingness.

I wish you hadn’t shown me, all that we could be.
I wish I didn’t know what was waiting out there for me.
I wish that you had let me tell you no from the start.
Now I’m stuck here alone again with an aching heart.
My wishes do not matter.
My heart was such a fool.
My soul was waking up again.
Back to sleep, darkened and cruel.
Never will I ever, fall for words again.
I wish that I had listened. I knew this was all pretend.

You can never say that I didn’t try.
I tried to make you love me.
I tried to make you see.
I tried to show you not all love is as harmful as it seems.
In the end you showed me, that I was just a fool.
Because the love I tried to give you, ended up hurting me.

You held up a mirror for me to see,
Every negative trait that existed within me.
I’ve come to terms with who I am and understand I can improve.
But you never budged, wouldn’t move.
I’m not the only one who’s broken. I’m not alone in this.
Your heart is also jaded, your head is still a mess.

You say I’m burning, aching, perishing in some way..
You circle like a vulture, waiting for dying prey.
The Phoenix in me is what you cannot see..
Rising from the ashes of what you’ve done to me.

~Kristen Ruchalski

2018

**Featured image retrieved from: https://www.deviantart.com/jullianpablo/art/Empty-Dark-Canyon-30min-Speedpaint-572509476**

Too Much

I guess I was just too much. Too loving. Too strong. Too resilient. Some people don’t like that. Some people can’t handle that.

I guess I was just too much. Too much woman for a small minded man. Too strong for a weak man. Too much of myself for a man still searching for himself.

I guess I was just too much. Too outspoken. Too opinionated. Too loud. Too bold. Too powerful. Too much.

I guess I was just too much for the man unaware of my offerings. I guess I was just too much for the man too blind to see my beauty. I guess I was just too much for the man too stuck in the past to live in the present moment. I guess I was just too much for the man afraid of the future.

Moving On

When you realize your worth, you laugh at those that didn’t see it. You pity them for missing out on all the awesomeness that is you. Yes, of course you mourn for the “what could have been”. But you look ahead at what will be!

We have formed these ideas in our minds of what could be. And we get excited about the possibilities. We begin to feel like we are finally heading in the right direction. Being led to our destiny. And then the crash. The realization that we aren’t going to have what we thought we would. That moment when the truth hits is like a knife in the chest; a punch in the gut. Why couldn’t they have just followed through? Those fears that held them back have now crushed your dreams. It’s a terrible feeling. I know.

Moving on, though, is a beautiful thing. When you can feel yourself getting stronger each day. When you can finally hear that song or see that person on social media without feeling weak inside. When you can feel your strength building little by little. One day at a time. When you realize you are worth far more than you ever knew. When you see what you should have seen all along. And then you apologize to yourself. You need to make it a point to do that. Apologize for being blinded by love. Apologize for the way you viewed the world through rose colored glasses and ignored every red flag your inner self tried to point out. Apologize for being human. For wishing and dreaming of what would never be. But warn yourself, it’s probably going to happen again. And that’s OK!!

Too bad they were too scared of what could be. It could have been amazing. But what is to come will surely be better. Because now you are wiser. Do not put yourself down for trusting the wrong person. And do not allow that person to influence the way you view the next person. Do not hide away, either, my darling. Do not cut yourself off from the next possibility. Live your life one moment at a time. Allow things to happen, both good and bad. Because that is the beauty of life.

 

Hurt People, Hurt People.

Do you realize just how difficult it is to come to terms with the fact that someone wasn’t truly who you thought they were? To find out that the person was lying or pretending the entire time? It’s a gut wrenching feeling to think that all the words they said that warmed your heart were nothing but bullshit. It’s a horrid thought to think that they were laughing behind your back the entire time. It’s embarrassing and hurtful and humiliating.

We need to do better, folks! We need to stop hurting people just because someone else hurt us! I have done it. I have been guilty of this myself. I have allowed my unhealed wounds to bleed all over another person. An innocent person. And it isn’t fair. I know that now. And even though I know better and try to do better, occasionally things slip past my radar and I am the one left covered in the blood of another person’s old wounds.

It hurts. It hurts like 10,000 knives ripping through my flesh, carving through my bones, on the way to my tender heart. Hurt people hurt people. Say it again, hurt people….hurt people. If you are hurting, please heal yourself. Stop allowing your open wounds to drip the misery onto a new relationship or interaction with someone that had nothing to do with your pain.

Kismet? Or Something Else?

Mesmerized by his eyes

and the dark side that he hides.

His words, like honey, flow through my brain.

Sweet and full of substance.

Never an empty word.

He fills the spaces with thoughts to ponder.

He sends my mind reeling to another dimension.

I become a dreamer and find myself mystified by his nature.

He is something I have never experienced.

I just want to know him on every level.

I want to explore the human condition with him.

He sends this energy through me with written word.

I cannot understand this.

Who is this man?

What is his purpose for me?

~Kristen Ruchalski

10/20/2017

Validation: Why do we all need it?

Lately I’ve noticed many people asking “Why?”; Why do you like/love me? Why do you want to be in my life? Why this, why that. And I’m wondering why we need to ask why? Ok, so I realize how silly that is. I want to know why people want to know why. But seriously, what has happened in our society that we constantly seek validation from others?

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Can we not be secure enough in our relationships (friendships, family, intimate, etc.) without seeking that constant affirmation? What has society done to us as a species? I cannot understand why me saying “I like/love you” is not enough for the person to be content or secure in the relationship. Do the reasons I like you really matter? Wouldn’t it be more productive to ask what I don’t like about you? Then you could work on those things to better yourself! Right? For instance, if a friend says, “I don’t like the way you treat your mom”, that could be a chance for you to reevaluate the relationship with your mother and your actions could be adjusted to improve the relationship.

I’m not suggesting going to your friend and giving them a laundry list of things to fix. I’m talking about really considering what that person could do that will lead to greater happiness and fulfillment for them. Things that will improve their relationship with you and with others in their life.

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Human interaction is inevitable and we all have issues with those interactions that cause us stress. Why spend so much time stressing over why someone likes you? Accept their “I love you” and be content with the fact that they do. I blame social media for the constant need for validation. People constantly seek attention on social media hoping to see how many “likes” they get, how many shares or comments or whatever. It’s all so pointless to me. I personally use social media like Facebook and Instagram. But I rarely worry about who likes what I post. I post things to either show my family my children’s accomplishments or to share my thoughts on a topic. Never have I thought “Gosh, I really hope I get at least 20 likes on this picture”. And I have never felt less beautiful if my picture only got 2 likes (most likely my sister and my mom!).

I just worry that our society is so worried about pleasing everyone else, that we are losing sight of what truly matters. Our happiness should come from within, not from the validation of others. If you don’t like me, well that’s your issue, not mine. If you would like to offer a constructive piece of advice, I will surely take it into consideration. Perhaps you see something in me that needs to be changed or reevaluated. I will surely appreciate anything like that. But I’m not going to question why someone likes me. I’m going to be happy with the fact that they do.

Happiness from others should only be the icing on top of the happiness cake you already baked for yourself!

~Kristen