I often lay awake at night. Blame insomnia. Blame anxiety. Or blame what I call painsomnia. But whatever it is, I just lay awake in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering what this world has in store for me next. And why I was chosen for such a difficult path.
It often sends me down the path of wondering about religion and how certain religions would look at my situation differently. Some people say it is what God has intended and he wouldn’t give me more than I can handle. Or that he may be preparing me for something even more difficult so I must become stronger. You get the idea. Others might say it is my karma. A punishment of sorts for some thing(s) I did in a past life. I realize that there is also karma in this life, but I know I have not been a bad person. Not bad enough to warrant the life I am currently living.
Either way, regardless of why or how I got here, I am struggling. I wonder why I don’t have someone by my side as I take on such a difficult journey; why must I do it alone? Lately, I don’t even feel like my parents get it. I don’t feel that they truly understand the intensity of what I live with each day. Of course, nobody really does because I don’t allow anyone to see. Fact is though, folks, that I am having brain surgery. I can’t make up some mysterious condition that will convince a neurosurgeon to be like, “Yup, gonna cut her brain open and see what we find”. It doesn’t work that way. And in today’s times, we have a plethora of information at our fingertips. If you don’t know about something and choose not to learn more, that is out of pure ignorance, not for lack of access to information.
I just wish I had more people close to me that understood. It seems like those that understand are from online support groups and they are all over the world. It seems extremely unfair. I realize that I am one day going to look back on this and realize it made me stronger. And I’m sure there is some grand plan in this universe that I am aimlessly approaching. One day, this will all make sense. For right now, I’m tired.
I was shocked. I hadn’t seen you for years. And then there you were; in the dairy section at Walmart. I kept staring because I couldn’t believe it was you. Your hair was pulled back; I like it better down. Like that night I showed up at your house. You were fresh out of the shower and smelled like heaven. She didn’t see you. She didn’t notice that I was staring at you while she was talking to me. She doesn’t notice anything I do. Why do you think I’m so unhappy?
Yes, it was hard seeing you again. I didn’t know I still felt these things for you. I didn’t know that I would be so captivated by your eyes. Damn that look of yours. It’s so intense. That look of longing. That look that says, “Take me right here, right now”. Why do you look at me that way? Why would you still want me after what I did to you?
I miss your kisses. They were so incredible. I would have given anything to kiss you right then and there. And those jeans, damn you must paint them on. I love the way they show your curves. I noticed your walk is still the same. Drawing attention with every step. Do you realize what that does to me? I bet you do.
The whole way home I thought of you. I didn’t know why you left the store in such a hurry. Why didn’t you stay longer so I could see you a few more times? Why did the last thing I saw have to be that ass walking away from me? Your tan back showing in that tank top you were wearing. God, all I’ve done is think about you. I guess that’s all I will ever have; memories of you. And wondering when I will see you again.
**Note: this post was written as a “response” to a previous post. It was suggested by a follower. Please refer to the post “I Saw You Again” to read my perspective. Thanks!
You never loved me. You loved the idea of me. You loved the idea of someone that was willing to fight for you. Someone that was willing to give you attention. The attention you weren’t getting. And I fell for it. I bought the lies. I believed every word. And in the end, I got burned.
And I wonder how you feel now, seeing me after all this time. After what you did. Did the knot form in your chest like it did in mine? Did your heart begin to beat faster and faster at the sight of me? Did you wish you could talk to me like I did you?
I saw the look in your eyes. That same look you always had. The look that says “rescue me from this hell”; “save me from my misery”. I know that look very well. I also know the look in your eyes when you know I’m hurting. It’s pitiful. And I saw that look too. I saw that you were too busy staring at me to pay attention to her. Did she notice? Did she see?
Did you try to put yourself in my path when you raced down the next aisle? Is that what that was? Were you trying to make eye contact, yet again? Well, it worked. You caught my eyes one last time before I hauled ass out of the store and away from you. I had to get out of there. The walls were closing in on me.
Seeing you again was not what I expected it to be. I didn’t know I would still feel these feelings. I didn’t know they would still be so strong. I didn’t know that my chest would tighten and my heart would race. I didn’t know I would forget how to speak. I didn’t know that walking would be such a difficult thing to do. I didn’t know that I still couldn’t bear the sight of you. I didn’t know that when I got home afterwards, the only thing that would calm me was a strong mixed drink. That damn Bacardi that always saved my ass when you crushed my soul. Did you know these things? Well you do now.
The days pass, and I still find myself without the right words to share. I feel like I’ve lost my vision for my writing. It used to come so easy, now it’s not the same. I have a million ideas; none of which match what I used to write.
I have not had the time I would like to have to work on my novel. College studies take up so much time. Kids take up a lot more! Lol. And now I’ve had ideas for a series here on my blog.
Most of us are people watchers. I think it’s rather natural. As I watch the interactions of the people around me, I often try to imagine the background stories, the current situation, and what the future will bring. Do you?
My birthday is in a few days, and graduation on a few weeks. I feel that I have changed as a person, thus changing as a writer. I used to share just poetry and a few bits of my novel. I pretty much had a theme. That’s all changing.
This blog will be changing to a collection of whatever thoughts I have that day. It may be political rants, poetry, short stories, mom stories, funny things, sad things, etc.
I hope you will stick around. And I hope you understand the reasons for the shift.