Night Train

It’s not even midnight, but I hear it rolling through.

When I hear that night train, I always think of you.

The dreams I had, the plans we made, it all got lost somehow.

I try to forget your kiss, but I can taste you now.

The echo of the night train.

The memory of your touch.

The magnetic connection.

The ethereal rush.

Release me from this reverie, let me please let go.

Night train, take his memory, he doesn’t have to know.

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Screaming in Silence

Pain, ripping flesh, breaking bones, searing flames of agony.
This isn’t torture. It’s my normal.
Tears flow down swollen cheeks to meet the pool gathered on my pillow. How many more nights will this flare last?
The drill in my ear, pressure building. Electric shocks through my jaw. Someone stop it.
Turn off the power. Cut the nerve. Rescue me. I’m dying. Please help me.

I wrote that poem in the middle of a flare up of the neuralgias I love with. They are always constant, but some days they flare so bad I cannot function. It’s unbelievably frustrating. The pain is beyond what the human body should have to endure. 10 days to surgery. I am so ready for this to be done!

~Kristen

Chasm

In the deep recesses of my soul, the darkened chasm of my existence.
You brought the light to guide me.
Showed me my destiny with your persistence.
The laughter that you brought echoed in the dark. My soul was warmed by your words, no longer cold and stark.
A burning ember, flickered in the darkness.
Igniting passion within the depths of nothingness.

I wish you hadn’t shown me, all that we could be.
I wish I didn’t know what was waiting out there for me.
I wish that you had let me tell you no from the start.
Now I’m stuck here alone again with an aching heart.
My wishes do not matter.
My heart was such a fool.
My soul was waking up again.
Back to sleep, darkened and cruel.
Never will I ever, fall for words again.
I wish that I had listened. I knew this was all pretend.

You can never say that I didn’t try.
I tried to make you love me.
I tried to make you see.
I tried to show you not all love is as harmful as it seems.
In the end you showed me, that I was just a fool.
Because the love I tried to give you, ended up hurting me.

You held up a mirror for me to see,
Every negative trait that existed within me.
I’ve come to terms with who I am and understand I can improve.
But you never budged, wouldn’t move.
I’m not the only one who’s broken. I’m not alone in this.
Your heart is also jaded, your head is still a mess.

You say I’m burning, aching, perishing in some way..
You circle like a vulture, waiting for dying prey.
The Phoenix in me is what you cannot see..
Rising from the ashes of what you’ve done to me.

~Kristen Ruchalski

2018

**Featured image retrieved from: https://www.deviantart.com/jullianpablo/art/Empty-Dark-Canyon-30min-Speedpaint-572509476**

Too Much

I guess I was just too much. Too loving. Too strong. Too resilient. Some people don’t like that. Some people can’t handle that.

I guess I was just too much. Too much woman for a small minded man. Too strong for a weak man. Too much of myself for a man still searching for himself.

I guess I was just too much. Too outspoken. Too opinionated. Too loud. Too bold. Too powerful. Too much.

I guess I was just too much for the man unaware of my offerings. I guess I was just too much for the man too blind to see my beauty. I guess I was just too much for the man too stuck in the past to live in the present moment. I guess I was just too much for the man afraid of the future.

At Her Core

Deep inside, a feeling, a longing to belong.

At the center of her being, a sad and lonely song.

A shattered sense of self.

A lost and broken girl.

Wildly seeking something.

A reason to go on.

Aching and burning, that reason doesn’t come.

An empty core is left, her heart is on the run.

via Daily Prompt: Core

Getting Back to Me

I’m not sure where I went

I got lost along the way.

I thought I found myself in you

But it turns out that you were lost too.

I realized that your appeal

was an illusion in my brain.

I never noticed all your faults

I never saw that you were him.

All the things I wanted

that I was missing in my past.

Were all the things you offered

but like most things, it didn’t last.

I’m moving on now.

Now that I see your flaws.

I am letting go of all the hurt.

Moving on from all the wrong.

I’ve admitted my mistakes

and I think that you have too.

So, goodbye, for now.

I wish the best for you.

~Kristen A. Ruchalski

January 17th, 2017