Life After Brain Surgeries

Yes, you read that right. Surgeries. My one planned brain surgery turned into 2 brain surgeries, several procedures, and 3 hospitalizations. I never planned on this.

I realized, after chats with my bestie, that people only see what I allow them to see. I post on social media with updates and I always seem so positive and upbeat. What people don’t see are my breakdowns.

I breakdown at least 3 times a day. Sometimes more. Songs that used to give me strength now make me weak. Things, simple things, I can no longer do make me feel depressed. I realize my body needs time to heal. Twice as much, if not three times as much as I planned. And that’s frustrating.

From time to time I discuss my pain, but more often than not, I’m reporting my pain free days. I don’t discuss my nights without sleep due to pain, my days when I’m too weak to go up and down the stairs, or the times I wish I had never had the surgery to begin with.

I don’t let people see me cry. Only those close to me have heard me cry to them on the phone. I lay here alone crying so often it’s beginning to make me think I’m losing my mind. I will break down and cry over the simplest things.

The nurses and others who have had similar surgeries tell me that’s normal. To cry a lot. To be weak and tired. But I feel so alone, so tired, so sad. I had the surgery to get my life back; to give my kids their mom back. Last month, I spent more days in the hospital than I did at home. I have had stitches (technically) in my head for over a month. I have to wrap my arm in plastic before showering (I have a PICC line for IV antibiotics). My life isn’t normal right now and I’m so damn sad about it. I struggle to help my kids with things. I struggle to do what I need to do to care for myself let alone 3 other people.

So while many see my positive and humorous side and think I’m just oh so strong, I’m not. I’m weak. I’m sad. I’m tired. I need y’all to understand that.

And as harsh as this may sound, being told to keep my head up, be patient, or to stay positive doesn’t help me. It makes me feel worse. My head you want me to keep up is broken. It’s broken, swollen, and hurting. My patience has worn thin. And it’s hard to remain positive when so many negative things have happened to me.

Yes, I realize some people have it worse. I know some people didn’t wake up this morning. I realize my community has lost many people lately. And I feel the loss and I feel the pain of all those suffering. But that does not make my feelings less valid!!

I am allowed to vent. I am allowed to feel like this. My feelings are valid. I do not expect any replies to this post. I do not mean to hurt any feelings. I just needed to say all of this. I apologize if any feelings have been hurt. It’s truly not my intention.

LIFE BEFORE BRAIN SURGERY

Friday I was informed that I am going to need brain surgery. More invasive surgery than previously discussed. And it is a scary, hopeless feeling. What if something goes wrong? What if it doesn’t even fix the issue? Plus a million more questions. Friends have told me to think of the positives. To look for the end result. And to consider that if it’s fixing an issue, then just go for it. But those friends are not able to speak from their own personal experience. They aren’t the ones that will lay on that table while strangers slice them open, remove a piece of their skull, and go digging around extremely close to their brain stem! I don’t know if you realize just how essential the brain stem is; oh ya know, just essential for LIFE!!

And what about recovery? My kids? Work? Life on a regular basis during my recovery? Who will help me? Who will care? The questions are swirling and won’t let me rest. I’ve gone from tears to laughter. Tears because of the fears and laughter because of the stories I will tell a year from now when someone notices my scar that I will be rocking. Shark bite? Nah, too played out. Jumped by a gang of clown ninjas? Maybe!

Thanks for reading my random and scattered rambling. This is the first of many posts as I trudge down this new path. I’m not sure why these cards have been dealt, but I do know that these nerve conditions picked the wrong girl!

 

**Image is my own.