Life After Brain Surgeries

Yes, you read that right. Surgeries. My one planned brain surgery turned into 2 brain surgeries, several procedures, and 3 hospitalizations. I never planned on this.

I realized, after chats with my bestie, that people only see what I allow them to see. I post on social media with updates and I always seem so positive and upbeat. What people don’t see are my breakdowns.

I breakdown at least 3 times a day. Sometimes more. Songs that used to give me strength now make me weak. Things, simple things, I can no longer do make me feel depressed. I realize my body needs time to heal. Twice as much, if not three times as much as I planned. And that’s frustrating.

From time to time I discuss my pain, but more often than not, I’m reporting my pain free days. I don’t discuss my nights without sleep due to pain, my days when I’m too weak to go up and down the stairs, or the times I wish I had never had the surgery to begin with.

I don’t let people see me cry. Only those close to me have heard me cry to them on the phone. I lay here alone crying so often it’s beginning to make me think I’m losing my mind. I will break down and cry over the simplest things.

The nurses and others who have had similar surgeries tell me that’s normal. To cry a lot. To be weak and tired. But I feel so alone, so tired, so sad. I had the surgery to get my life back; to give my kids their mom back. Last month, I spent more days in the hospital than I did at home. I have had stitches (technically) in my head for over a month. I have to wrap my arm in plastic before showering (I have a PICC line for IV antibiotics). My life isn’t normal right now and I’m so damn sad about it. I struggle to help my kids with things. I struggle to do what I need to do to care for myself let alone 3 other people.

So while many see my positive and humorous side and think I’m just oh so strong, I’m not. I’m weak. I’m sad. I’m tired. I need y’all to understand that.

And as harsh as this may sound, being told to keep my head up, be patient, or to stay positive doesn’t help me. It makes me feel worse. My head you want me to keep up is broken. It’s broken, swollen, and hurting. My patience has worn thin. And it’s hard to remain positive when so many negative things have happened to me.

Yes, I realize some people have it worse. I know some people didn’t wake up this morning. I realize my community has lost many people lately. And I feel the loss and I feel the pain of all those suffering. But that does not make my feelings less valid!!

I am allowed to vent. I am allowed to feel like this. My feelings are valid. I do not expect any replies to this post. I do not mean to hurt any feelings. I just needed to say all of this. I apologize if any feelings have been hurt. It’s truly not my intention.

My New Normal

Yesterday I was diagnosed with now a 3rd pain disorder… Er disfunction/disease/ailment/illness that causes pain. I don’t even know what to call it. All I know is I’m really over it.

I’m over not being the woman I want to be. I’m over not being the mom I was; the mom my kids deserve. I’m over people questioning my constant illnesses and my constant pain. I’m over people making jokes when I slur my words or when I walk with a limp. I’m over this daily struggle.

But it’s my new normal. I have to learn to deal. 3 years ago I woke up with a migraine that never left. Thankfully, botox injections ease them enough so that I can function. Almost 2 years ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. That was also a major change and adjustment. One I still struggle with daily. And now trigeminal neuralgia. I do not know much about it yet other than it’s rare, it’s painful, it can happen to anyone, and there is no cure; only the attempt at treatment.

I am not looking for sympathy or anything. I am primarily writing this just so I can get it out. So I can face the music and say to myself, “this is your new normal so learn to deal”….

I’m not sure what the future holds or if the meds will help me. I also don’t know what fresh hell awaits me for next year. Anyone wanna place bets? I’m kidding, don’t be so sensitive!

Until next time….

Sleep is Overrated

Ya know, a lot of people in this world suffer from insomnia, caused by various things. Me, well I have chronic migraines and fibromyalgia. I also think my brain is way too overactive!! Now the docs wonder if the migraines and fibro caused the insomnia, or if my insomnia has caused the migraines and fibro to be worse. Well honestly, I couldn’t care which one caused the other. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with any of it.

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But when the house is quiet, I can think. I completed some work for college (my Masters program) and was able to write a blog post earlier. Now I’m sitting at the computer listening to my music, wishing I had the magic secret to get rid of all of my ailments.

I’m waiting for the approval for botox (for the migraines) but the nurse said that could take months. Thanks insurance company. The fibro is pretty well managed, at least the nerve pain. The weakness, fatigue, muscle spasms, and all the other fun stuff are still here. But I manage. I think the migraines bother me more than the fibro because they never leave. At least the fibro only hits me hard when I’ve done too much. I mean it’s always there, don’t get me wrong. But some days I can be pretty productive even with the fibro pain. The damn migraines drive me insane though.

I read earlier about a woman that suffered from migraines for so long that she took her own life. I can say, as sad as it is, that I can relate. The pain is unbearable. The lack of proper treatments is unreal. The doctors think we are pill seekers. (Or radiation seekers…that’s for another post!) Nobody can understand the pain involved, the nausea, the dizziness, the sensitivity to every damn thing, and the frustration we feel when we can’t do something we want to do, unless they have been through it too.

And there are so many triggers! Food, scents, lights, colors, it’s unreal. I cannot pinpoint one thing that causes mine. The triggers seem to change from day to day.

June 16th will be 2 years with a constant headache, and migraines at least 5-6 days a week. Yeah, you read that right. My head hurts constantly. The one or two days I don’t have a migraine are the days I recover from the week long struggle. And I got a letter from a lawyer hired by my insurance company. They want to be sure no third party is responsible for my treatment such as an employer or car insurance company. See, they think I was involved in some kind of accident.

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Perhaps they should check my medical records. It’s well documented. I went to bed on June 15, 2015 perfectly fine. I woke up on June 16, 2015 with a terrible migraine. And it never, ever left! There was no accident. No work injury. I woke up like this. I guess they don’t believe me. Well join the list of others that don’t believe me. Sometimes I think my family doesn’t even believe me.

Believe me, this is all too real. I mean, who the hell would want to fake this? Get real!

Well, after all that, I suppose I will try to sleep.