Life After Brain Surgery

A week ago my family was all meeting up at a parking garage outside of University of Maryland Medical Center Baltimore, gathering our belongings necessary for the long day ahead, and rushing inside to get to where I needed to be by my 5:30 appt time. Sadly, the hospital sent us on a long run around until we finally landed right where we needed to be, but we got there. Tension was high among the group, of course. The nervousness in the air; palpable.

I was asked if I was ready, more times than a few. How do you answer that? How are you ever ready to risk leaving your family behind? How are you ever ready to risk not coming back to them the same as you left them? So I lied. I was ready, yes. I lied and said I was fine. I lied and said I was going to be okay. I was petrified.

Questions began, IV was started, prepping was moving at the speed of light, but I was still stuck. Lingering, waiting for my entire family to hug me all at once. What would be my last thing to say to each one of them? How do you decide that? You cannot scare the kids, Kristen. You cannot upset your sisters, Kris. And my God, don’t let my parents feel my fear.

Last night I was asked what I felt in those moments. What was it that I told myself to help me get through it and make the final decision to go through with it.

The answer is my life. I wanted my life back. The vibrant, exuberant, fly by the seat of her pants girl was gone. She was replaced long ago by a zombie of a woman that was barely surviving this world. She could no longer head out on grand adventures, planned or otherwise. She spent her days hardly able to make it up and down the stairs let alone to a school event with homemade brownies.

She couldn’t make it to concerts with her sisters anymore. She had to cancel plans with friends more times than a few. She couldn’t get outside and run around with her two sons anymore. Life as she knew it ceased to exist.

But this morning. 7 days after the scariest decision of her life, that girl woke up at 5 am without an alarm clock, went downstairs without a single creaking or aching bone (stairs are a different story), and made herself a cup of coffee. Do you realize how long it has been since that has happened? I won’t count the nights where sleep never happened and I got up at 5 to start a day after a night of no rest. I’m talking actually slept for hours, woke up, went down, and made my own damn coffee??

Let’s ask my little baristas when they wake. I bet ya it’s been a while.

Good morning, world. It’s good to be back.

Dreams Do Come True

Good afternoon everyone,

As much as we struggle in this world, good things do happen. Each day I struggle to be the best mom, best girlfriend, best sister, daughter, etc. I also have college (I can see the light though!!)…. Each day I feel like I can never be enough and that I will never reach all of my goals. But each day I look up at my book shelf and see my own published book staring back at me. Then I realized that dreams do come true. So I continue to push on. If anyone is interested, I will provide the link to purchase my book. Any support is greatly appreciated. Don’t give up. Keep on fighting. PUSH ON!!!

~Kristen

The Way He Loves Me

He makes me feel pretty on my ugliest days.

Brings sunshine to my clouded haze.

The look of love I see in his eyes,

Brings me back from the hurt, the pain, and the lies.

He shelters my heart and builds up my soul.

He guides my heart; he has all control.

His love is so tender, gentle, and pure.

His hugs let me know his heart is sure.

He loves me so deeply; I can feel it each day.

Something was missing but I couldn’t say.

He has filled the dark holes of my broken heart.

Pieced me together like a treasured work of art.

 K.R. February 10, 2016

The Dream is Alive Again

When life takes you by storm.
When your ice cold heart begins to warm.
The dream is alive again.

When that feeling comes.
And the fear fades.
The dream is alive again.

When your stomach flutters.
And you heart races.
The dream is alive again.

When life throws a curve.
And you find yourself ready.
The dream is alive again.   

When the laughs are endless.
And the smiles are genuine.
The dream is alive again.