Life After Brain Surgeries

Yes, you read that right. Surgeries. My one planned brain surgery turned into 2 brain surgeries, several procedures, and 3 hospitalizations. I never planned on this.

I realized, after chats with my bestie, that people only see what I allow them to see. I post on social media with updates and I always seem so positive and upbeat. What people don’t see are my breakdowns.

I breakdown at least 3 times a day. Sometimes more. Songs that used to give me strength now make me weak. Things, simple things, I can no longer do make me feel depressed. I realize my body needs time to heal. Twice as much, if not three times as much as I planned. And that’s frustrating.

From time to time I discuss my pain, but more often than not, I’m reporting my pain free days. I don’t discuss my nights without sleep due to pain, my days when I’m too weak to go up and down the stairs, or the times I wish I had never had the surgery to begin with.

I don’t let people see me cry. Only those close to me have heard me cry to them on the phone. I lay here alone crying so often it’s beginning to make me think I’m losing my mind. I will break down and cry over the simplest things.

The nurses and others who have had similar surgeries tell me that’s normal. To cry a lot. To be weak and tired. But I feel so alone, so tired, so sad. I had the surgery to get my life back; to give my kids their mom back. Last month, I spent more days in the hospital than I did at home. I have had stitches (technically) in my head for over a month. I have to wrap my arm in plastic before showering (I have a PICC line for IV antibiotics). My life isn’t normal right now and I’m so damn sad about it. I struggle to help my kids with things. I struggle to do what I need to do to care for myself let alone 3 other people.

So while many see my positive and humorous side and think I’m just oh so strong, I’m not. I’m weak. I’m sad. I’m tired. I need y’all to understand that.

And as harsh as this may sound, being told to keep my head up, be patient, or to stay positive doesn’t help me. It makes me feel worse. My head you want me to keep up is broken. It’s broken, swollen, and hurting. My patience has worn thin. And it’s hard to remain positive when so many negative things have happened to me.

Yes, I realize some people have it worse. I know some people didn’t wake up this morning. I realize my community has lost many people lately. And I feel the loss and I feel the pain of all those suffering. But that does not make my feelings less valid!!

I am allowed to vent. I am allowed to feel like this. My feelings are valid. I do not expect any replies to this post. I do not mean to hurt any feelings. I just needed to say all of this. I apologize if any feelings have been hurt. It’s truly not my intention.

Chasm

In the deep recesses of my soul, the darkened chasm of my existence.
You brought the light to guide me.
Showed me my destiny with your persistence.
The laughter that you brought echoed in the dark. My soul was warmed by your words, no longer cold and stark.
A burning ember, flickered in the darkness.
Igniting passion within the depths of nothingness.

I wish you hadn’t shown me, all that we could be.
I wish I didn’t know what was waiting out there for me.
I wish that you had let me tell you no from the start.
Now I’m stuck here alone again with an aching heart.
My wishes do not matter.
My heart was such a fool.
My soul was waking up again.
Back to sleep, darkened and cruel.
Never will I ever, fall for words again.
I wish that I had listened. I knew this was all pretend.

You can never say that I didn’t try.
I tried to make you love me.
I tried to make you see.
I tried to show you not all love is as harmful as it seems.
In the end you showed me, that I was just a fool.
Because the love I tried to give you, ended up hurting me.

You held up a mirror for me to see,
Every negative trait that existed within me.
I’ve come to terms with who I am and understand I can improve.
But you never budged, wouldn’t move.
I’m not the only one who’s broken. I’m not alone in this.
Your heart is also jaded, your head is still a mess.

You say I’m burning, aching, perishing in some way..
You circle like a vulture, waiting for dying prey.
The Phoenix in me is what you cannot see..
Rising from the ashes of what you’ve done to me.

~Kristen Ruchalski

2018

**Featured image retrieved from: https://www.deviantart.com/jullianpablo/art/Empty-Dark-Canyon-30min-Speedpaint-572509476**