Screaming in Silence

Pain, ripping flesh, breaking bones, searing flames of agony.
This isn’t torture. It’s my normal.
Tears flow down swollen cheeks to meet the pool gathered on my pillow. How many more nights will this flare last?
The drill in my ear, pressure building. Electric shocks through my jaw. Someone stop it.
Turn off the power. Cut the nerve. Rescue me. I’m dying. Please help me.

I wrote that poem in the middle of a flare up of the neuralgias I love with. They are always constant, but some days they flare so bad I cannot function. It’s unbelievably frustrating. The pain is beyond what the human body should have to endure. 10 days to surgery. I am so ready for this to be done!

~Kristen

Chasm

In the deep recesses of my soul, the darkened chasm of my existence.
You brought the light to guide me.
Showed me my destiny with your persistence.
The laughter that you brought echoed in the dark. My soul was warmed by your words, no longer cold and stark.
A burning ember, flickered in the darkness.
Igniting passion within the depths of nothingness.

I wish you hadn’t shown me, all that we could be.
I wish I didn’t know what was waiting out there for me.
I wish that you had let me tell you no from the start.
Now I’m stuck here alone again with an aching heart.
My wishes do not matter.
My heart was such a fool.
My soul was waking up again.
Back to sleep, darkened and cruel.
Never will I ever, fall for words again.
I wish that I had listened. I knew this was all pretend.

You can never say that I didn’t try.
I tried to make you love me.
I tried to make you see.
I tried to show you not all love is as harmful as it seems.
In the end you showed me, that I was just a fool.
Because the love I tried to give you, ended up hurting me.

You held up a mirror for me to see,
Every negative trait that existed within me.
I’ve come to terms with who I am and understand I can improve.
But you never budged, wouldn’t move.
I’m not the only one who’s broken. I’m not alone in this.
Your heart is also jaded, your head is still a mess.

You say I’m burning, aching, perishing in some way..
You circle like a vulture, waiting for dying prey.
The Phoenix in me is what you cannot see..
Rising from the ashes of what you’ve done to me.

~Kristen Ruchalski

2018

**Featured image retrieved from: https://www.deviantart.com/jullianpablo/art/Empty-Dark-Canyon-30min-Speedpaint-572509476**