Life After Brain Surgery

A week ago my family was all meeting up at a parking garage outside of University of Maryland Medical Center Baltimore, gathering our belongings necessary for the long day ahead, and rushing inside to get to where I needed to be by my 5:30 appt time. Sadly, the hospital sent us on a long run around until we finally landed right where we needed to be, but we got there. Tension was high among the group, of course. The nervousness in the air; palpable.

I was asked if I was ready, more times than a few. How do you answer that? How are you ever ready to risk leaving your family behind? How are you ever ready to risk not coming back to them the same as you left them? So I lied. I was ready, yes. I lied and said I was fine. I lied and said I was going to be okay. I was petrified.

Questions began, IV was started, prepping was moving at the speed of light, but I was still stuck. Lingering, waiting for my entire family to hug me all at once. What would be my last thing to say to each one of them? How do you decide that? You cannot scare the kids, Kristen. You cannot upset your sisters, Kris. And my God, don’t let my parents feel my fear.

Last night I was asked what I felt in those moments. What was it that I told myself to help me get through it and make the final decision to go through with it.

The answer is my life. I wanted my life back. The vibrant, exuberant, fly by the seat of her pants girl was gone. She was replaced long ago by a zombie of a woman that was barely surviving this world. She could no longer head out on grand adventures, planned or otherwise. She spent her days hardly able to make it up and down the stairs let alone to a school event with homemade brownies.

She couldn’t make it to concerts with her sisters anymore. She had to cancel plans with friends more times than a few. She couldn’t get outside and run around with her two sons anymore. Life as she knew it ceased to exist.

But this morning. 7 days after the scariest decision of her life, that girl woke up at 5 am without an alarm clock, went downstairs without a single creaking or aching bone (stairs are a different story), and made herself a cup of coffee. Do you realize how long it has been since that has happened? I won’t count the nights where sleep never happened and I got up at 5 to start a day after a night of no rest. I’m talking actually slept for hours, woke up, went down, and made my own damn coffee??

Let’s ask my little baristas when they wake. I bet ya it’s been a while.

Good morning, world. It’s good to be back.

My New Normal

Yesterday I was diagnosed with now a 3rd pain disorder… Er disfunction/disease/ailment/illness that causes pain. I don’t even know what to call it. All I know is I’m really over it.

I’m over not being the woman I want to be. I’m over not being the mom I was; the mom my kids deserve. I’m over people questioning my constant illnesses and my constant pain. I’m over people making jokes when I slur my words or when I walk with a limp. I’m over this daily struggle.

But it’s my new normal. I have to learn to deal. 3 years ago I woke up with a migraine that never left. Thankfully, botox injections ease them enough so that I can function. Almost 2 years ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. That was also a major change and adjustment. One I still struggle with daily. And now trigeminal neuralgia. I do not know much about it yet other than it’s rare, it’s painful, it can happen to anyone, and there is no cure; only the attempt at treatment.

I am not looking for sympathy or anything. I am primarily writing this just so I can get it out. So I can face the music and say to myself, “this is your new normal so learn to deal”….

I’m not sure what the future holds or if the meds will help me. I also don’t know what fresh hell awaits me for next year. Anyone wanna place bets? I’m kidding, don’t be so sensitive!

Until next time….

My New Journey

Hey guys. As I’ve touched on in previous posts, I struggle with fibromyalgia. I finally said enough is enough. Last week I decided to give something else a try. After a few discussions with my doctor regarding gut health, and a few chats with a good friend, I began my journey with Plexus.

Just a few days in and I feel AMAZING! I can tell you that I know this is going to be life changing for me. As I discussed with my friend, I’m going to share my journey here because I would like to reach a greater audience than just my facebook page. I hope you all will enjoy seeing me go from the miserable woman I had become with fibro back to the energetic and active mom of three!

If anyone is interested in learning me, comment here and we can set up a line of communication. This product is already changing my life, it could change yours too!

~What if you could change everything?

~Kristen

Kismet? Or Something Else?

Mesmerized by his eyes

and the dark side that he hides.

His words, like honey, flow through my brain.

Sweet and full of substance.

Never an empty word.

He fills the spaces with thoughts to ponder.

He sends my mind reeling to another dimension.

I become a dreamer and find myself mystified by his nature.

He is something I have never experienced.

I just want to know him on every level.

I want to explore the human condition with him.

He sends this energy through me with written word.

I cannot understand this.

Who is this man?

What is his purpose for me?

~Kristen Ruchalski

10/20/2017

Good Morning

The days pass, and I still find myself without the right words to share. I feel like I’ve lost my vision for my writing. It used to come so easy, now it’s not the same. I have a million ideas; none of which match what I used to write. 

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I have not had the time I would like to have to work on my novel. College studies take up so much time. Kids take up a lot more! Lol. And now I’ve had ideas for a series here on my blog. 

Most of us are people watchers. I think it’s rather natural. As I watch the interactions of the people around me, I often try to imagine the background stories, the current situation, and what the future will bring. Do you? 

My birthday is in a few days, and graduation on a few weeks. I feel that I have changed as a person, thus changing as a writer. I used to share just poetry and a few bits of my novel. I pretty much had a theme. That’s all changing. 

This blog will be changing to a collection of whatever thoughts I have that day. It may be political rants, poetry, short stories, mom stories, funny things, sad things, etc. 

I hope you will stick around. And I hope you understand the reasons for the shift. 

~Kristen

Another Monday Morning

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Good morning folks,

So as you may have noticed, I made additional changes. I just can’t find a theme and design that I like! It’s so frustrating to have these ideas and not find anything that matches up! But hey, it’s Monday. *Sigh* I thought you all might enjoy this photo of mine. Perhaps it may inspire some writing for you. Another writing prompt this evening, I promise.

See ya later!

~Kristen

 

Changes for the Coming Year

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Hello everyone,

I’ve made some changes to my site for the coming year. I am trying to better organize my blog, which meant importing everything from my original blog into this one. My original blog was more of a secret while I gained confidence in my writing. Now, I think I’ve become more confident and have decided to join the two blogs into one. I think I have done it and I hope it’s right! I had never done that before so it was all a learning process.

I’ve never been one for New Year’s Resolutions. But I need to start. I’m going to focus more time on writing. All of it. My poetry, my novel, my blogs, my freelance work, my college studies. I am going to begin scheduling when I do certain things. If I block out certain times for certain things, I think that will help me become more organized and thus, more productive.

The book sales have slacked off a bit, so I’m trying to come up with better marketing techniques. Freelance work is going okay. I’m getting back what I’m putting in….which hasn’t been much to be honest.

I will complete my B.S. in Psychology the end of February….Yay, go me!!! I have a University in mind for my Master’s program, but I may continue to weigh my options. With my GPA, I think schools should be fighting for me!! Not to toot my own horn or anything, but TOOOOOT!!!

Well, that’s the update. I am now writing everything using my own name, without hiding my identity. I am proud of how far I’ve come and I cannot wait to see how far I can go.

Goodnight folks,

Kristen