So yesterday I broke down several times. Surgery is one week away. So of course my nerves are a wreck. It’s normal. I’m told I wouldn’t be human if I wasn’t worried. But let me explain why I broke down yesterday.
I was cooking more meals to freeze for the kids to have during my hospitalization and recovery. My oldest son was practicing his trumpet. (actually a 1956 coronet which is so bad ass) I decided to pick it up and wow him with some things. Ya see, I taught myself to play the trumpet when I was 10ish. Yep, picked one up and taught myself. I was incredibly talented. I say this not to brag, but just to say I am confident in that fact. My talent was passed to my kids, each knowing how to play but only my older son choosing to play. Anyway….
So I played a few scales, a little improv, and then it happened. The damn nerve in my face fired like crazy. Electrical shocks down my jaw. The hammering pain in my bones of my face. And reality hit me.
Even though I don’t play regularly, it is something I do enjoy. I love to just play and reminisce about my youth and my time in band, both concert and marching band. How I was chosen as a freshman in high school to play with the University of Maryland Eastern Shore band for commencement that year. How much I loved having solos during concerts. How I know it was something that made my parents proud. And it truly was a passion.
Now, I can’t play. And that devastates my heart. If they can’t fix my nerve disorder with this surgery I will not be able to play. Ever. A little thing with a huge impact.
My heart is hurting. My soul feels like it was a personal blow. She is weary. She is broken.
Little things can bring with them the misery of a thousand broken hearts.
It’s not even midnight, but I hear it rolling through.
When I hear that night train, I always think of you.
The dreams I had, the plans we made, it all got lost somehow.
I try to forget your kiss, but I can taste you now.
The echo of the night train.
The memory of your touch.
The magnetic connection.
The ethereal rush.
Release me from this reverie, let me please let go.
Night train, take his memory, he doesn’t have to know.
In the deep recesses of my soul, the darkened chasm of my existence.
You brought the light to guide me.
Showed me my destiny with your persistence.
The laughter that you brought echoed in the dark. My soul was warmed by your words, no longer cold and stark.
A burning ember, flickered in the darkness.
Igniting passion within the depths of nothingness.
I wish you hadn’t shown me, all that we could be.
I wish I didn’t know what was waiting out there for me.
I wish that you had let me tell you no from the start.
Now I’m stuck here alone again with an aching heart.
My wishes do not matter.
My heart was such a fool.
My soul was waking up again.
Back to sleep, darkened and cruel.
Never will I ever, fall for words again.
I wish that I had listened. I knew this was all pretend.
You can never say that I didn’t try.
I tried to make you love me.
I tried to make you see.
I tried to show you not all love is as harmful as it seems.
In the end you showed me, that I was just a fool.
Because the love I tried to give you, ended up hurting me.
You held up a mirror for me to see,
Every negative trait that existed within me.
I’ve come to terms with who I am and understand I can improve.
But you never budged, wouldn’t move.
I’m not the only one who’s broken. I’m not alone in this.
Your heart is also jaded, your head is still a mess.
You say I’m burning, aching, perishing in some way..
You circle like a vulture, waiting for dying prey.
The Phoenix in me is what you cannot see..
Rising from the ashes of what you’ve done to me.
**Featured image retrieved from: https://www.deviantart.com/jullianpablo/art/Empty-Dark-Canyon-30min-Speedpaint-572509476**
When you love someone, you will do the most ridiculous things! When they don’t love you back quite the same, or at all, you will reach new levels of ridiculousness. You will look like a fool, to them, to yourself, and at times, to those around you. You will put yourself out there only to have your heart crushed by the inevitable truth that they just don’t love you the same, or at all.
Love them anyway. People who have been hurt in the past may be a little more difficult to love, but no less worthy of your love. So love them anyway. Love them with all that you have. Show them what love should be. Sure, you have to learn at some point when to stop pushing for something that may not be meant to be. And finding that fine line may be difficult. But don’t give up. Love that person anyway. Even if just from a distance. And if you decide that it’s best to walk away, you can still love them. Nobody can make you stop doing that. Love them anyway.
Understand that their inability to receive your love is not a reflection of you, but a reflection of all that they are struggling to overcome. As humans, we inherently crave love. We seek out those that we find can provide us with the comforts of a loving relationship. But some people have been damaged by the toxicity of their pasts. Those people are the ones that deserve a little more love.
I’m not telling you to give so much of yourself and get nothing in return, time after time. I am telling you to be patient and understanding. If the person you love tells you they love you, but they are struggling with demons of whatever kind, be patient with them. That is part of the deal. Learning to be patient, considerate, and compassionate are all difficult things when you feel like it should come as easy for them as it does for you. I get that. Trust me! It just isn’t that easy for some. Not after some of the things people have gone through.
I write these words as a woman that is very difficult to love, or at least I once was. Now, I’m the woman trying so desperately to be patient with the man I love while he figures out how he wants to move forward; scarred from his past. And I think of all the times people gave up on me because I was a little more difficult than they thought I should be. I won’t be that person. I won’t give up on him.
Do you realize just how difficult it is to come to terms with the fact that someone wasn’t truly who you thought they were? To find out that the person was lying or pretending the entire time? It’s a gut wrenching feeling to think that all the words they said that warmed your heart were nothing but bullshit. It’s a horrid thought to think that they were laughing behind your back the entire time. It’s embarrassing and hurtful and humiliating.
We need to do better, folks! We need to stop hurting people just because someone else hurt us! I have done it. I have been guilty of this myself. I have allowed my unhealed wounds to bleed all over another person. An innocent person. And it isn’t fair. I know that now. And even though I know better and try to do better, occasionally things slip past my radar and I am the one left covered in the blood of another person’s old wounds.
It hurts. It hurts like 10,000 knives ripping through my flesh, carving through my bones, on the way to my tender heart. Hurt people hurt people. Say it again, hurt people….hurt people. If you are hurting, please heal yourself. Stop allowing your open wounds to drip the misery onto a new relationship or interaction with someone that had nothing to do with your pain.
Deep inside, a feeling, a longing to belong.
At the center of her being, a sad and lonely song.
A shattered sense of self.
A lost and broken girl.
Wildly seeking something.
A reason to go on.
Aching and burning, that reason doesn’t come.
An empty core is left, her heart is on the run.
via Daily Prompt: Core
My heart is empty, the tears are gone.
I’m left with a void, they were wrong.
Time has healed nothing, my hurt remains.
It’s just an emptiness, not the same dull pains.
I’ve lost your memory, it slipped away.
I miss you still, to this very day.
I cannot cry, for my tears have dried.
Four long years I have tried and tried.
I hurt today for the woman I was.
The woman you damaged, did you even think once?
That the pain you inflicted would last this long?
That I would end up being the one called wrong?
© Kristen Ruchalski 2017