It’s not even midnight, but I hear it rolling through.
When I hear that night train, I always think of you.
The dreams I had, the plans we made, it all got lost somehow.
I try to forget your kiss, but I can taste you now.
The echo of the night train.
The memory of your touch.
The magnetic connection.
The ethereal rush.
Release me from this reverie, let me please let go.
Night train, take his memory, he doesn’t have to know.
In the deep recesses of my soul, the darkened chasm of my existence.
You brought the light to guide me.
Showed me my destiny with your persistence.
The laughter that you brought echoed in the dark. My soul was warmed by your words, no longer cold and stark.
A burning ember, flickered in the darkness.
Igniting passion within the depths of nothingness.
I wish you hadn’t shown me, all that we could be.
I wish I didn’t know what was waiting out there for me.
I wish that you had let me tell you no from the start.
Now I’m stuck here alone again with an aching heart.
My wishes do not matter.
My heart was such a fool.
My soul was waking up again.
Back to sleep, darkened and cruel.
Never will I ever, fall for words again.
I wish that I had listened. I knew this was all pretend.
You can never say that I didn’t try.
I tried to make you love me.
I tried to make you see.
I tried to show you not all love is as harmful as it seems.
In the end you showed me, that I was just a fool.
Because the love I tried to give you, ended up hurting me.
You held up a mirror for me to see,
Every negative trait that existed within me.
I’ve come to terms with who I am and understand I can improve.
But you never budged, wouldn’t move.
I’m not the only one who’s broken. I’m not alone in this.
Your heart is also jaded, your head is still a mess.
You say I’m burning, aching, perishing in some way..
You circle like a vulture, waiting for dying prey.
The Phoenix in me is what you cannot see..
Rising from the ashes of what you’ve done to me.
**Featured image retrieved from: https://www.deviantart.com/jullianpablo/art/Empty-Dark-Canyon-30min-Speedpaint-572509476**
I guess I was just too much. Too loving. Too strong. Too resilient. Some people don’t like that. Some people can’t handle that.
I guess I was just too much. Too much woman for a small minded man. Too strong for a weak man. Too much of myself for a man still searching for himself.
I guess I was just too much. Too outspoken. Too opinionated. Too loud. Too bold. Too powerful. Too much.
I guess I was just too much for the man unaware of my offerings. I guess I was just too much for the man too blind to see my beauty. I guess I was just too much for the man too stuck in the past to live in the present moment. I guess I was just too much for the man afraid of the future.
My heart is empty, the tears are gone.
I’m left with a void, they were wrong.
Time has healed nothing, my hurt remains.
It’s just an emptiness, not the same dull pains.
I’ve lost your memory, it slipped away.
I miss you still, to this very day.
I cannot cry, for my tears have dried.
Four long years I have tried and tried.
I hurt today for the woman I was.
The woman you damaged, did you even think once?
That the pain you inflicted would last this long?
That I would end up being the one called wrong?
© Kristen Ruchalski 2017
I was shocked. I hadn’t seen you for years. And then there you were; in the dairy section at Walmart. I kept staring because I couldn’t believe it was you. Your hair was pulled back; I like it better down. Like that night I showed up at your house. You were fresh out of the shower and smelled like heaven. She didn’t see you. She didn’t notice that I was staring at you while she was talking to me. She doesn’t notice anything I do. Why do you think I’m so unhappy?
Yes, it was hard seeing you again. I didn’t know I still felt these things for you. I didn’t know that I would be so captivated by your eyes. Damn that look of yours. It’s so intense. That look of longing. That look that says, “Take me right here, right now”. Why do you look at me that way? Why would you still want me after what I did to you?
I miss your kisses. They were so incredible. I would have given anything to kiss you right then and there. And those jeans, damn you must paint them on. I love the way they show your curves. I noticed your walk is still the same. Drawing attention with every step. Do you realize what that does to me? I bet you do.
The whole way home I thought of you. I didn’t know why you left the store in such a hurry. Why didn’t you stay longer so I could see you a few more times? Why did the last thing I saw have to be that ass walking away from me? Your tan back showing in that tank top you were wearing. God, all I’ve done is think about you. I guess that’s all I will ever have; memories of you. And wondering when I will see you again.
**Note: this post was written as a “response” to a previous post. It was suggested by a follower. Please refer to the post “I Saw You Again” to read my perspective. Thanks!
You never loved me. You loved the idea of me. You loved the idea of someone that was willing to fight for you. Someone that was willing to give you attention. The attention you weren’t getting. And I fell for it. I bought the lies. I believed every word. And in the end, I got burned.
And I wonder how you feel now, seeing me after all this time. After what you did. Did the knot form in your chest like it did in mine? Did your heart begin to beat faster and faster at the sight of me? Did you wish you could talk to me like I did you?
I saw the look in your eyes. That same look you always had. The look that says “rescue me from this hell”; “save me from my misery”. I know that look very well. I also know the look in your eyes when you know I’m hurting. It’s pitiful. And I saw that look too. I saw that you were too busy staring at me to pay attention to her. Did she notice? Did she see?
Did you try to put yourself in my path when you raced down the next aisle? Is that what that was? Were you trying to make eye contact, yet again? Well, it worked. You caught my eyes one last time before I hauled ass out of the store and away from you. I had to get out of there. The walls were closing in on me.
Seeing you again was not what I expected it to be. I didn’t know I would still feel these feelings. I didn’t know they would still be so strong. I didn’t know that my chest would tighten and my heart would race. I didn’t know I would forget how to speak. I didn’t know that walking would be such a difficult thing to do. I didn’t know that I still couldn’t bear the sight of you. I didn’t know that when I got home afterwards, the only thing that would calm me was a strong mixed drink. That damn Bacardi that always saved my ass when you crushed my soul. Did you know these things? Well you do now.
It just occurred I can’t remember your face.
You’ve faded into the sea of strangers in this place.
Without a reminder, I’ve lost those eyes.
Eyes that used to drive me wild.