Night Thoughts

I often lay awake at night. Blame insomnia. Blame anxiety. Or blame what I call painsomnia. But whatever it is, I just lay awake in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering what this world has in store for me next. And why I was chosen for such a difficult path.

It often sends me down the path of wondering about religion and how certain religions would look at my situation differently. Some people say it is what God has intended and he wouldn’t give me more than I can handle. Or that he may be preparing me for something even more difficult so I must become stronger. You get the idea. Others might say it is my karma. A punishment of sorts for some thing(s) I did in a past life. I realize that there is also karma in this life, but I know I have not been a bad person. Not bad enough to warrant the life I am currently living.

Either way, regardless of why or how I got here, I am struggling. I wonder why I don’t have someone by my side as I take on such a difficult journey; why must I do it alone? Lately, I don’t even feel like my parents get it. I don’t feel that they truly understand the intensity of what I live with each day. Of course, nobody really does because I don’t allow anyone to see. Fact is though, folks, that I am having brain surgery. I can’t make up some mysterious condition that will convince a neurosurgeon to be like, “Yup, gonna cut her brain open and see what we find”. It doesn’t work that way. And in today’s times, we have a plethora of information at our fingertips. If you don’t know about something and choose not to learn more, that is out of pure ignorance, not for lack of access to information.

I just wish I had more people close to me that understood. It seems like those that understand are from online support groups and they are all over the world. It seems extremely unfair. I realize that I am one day going to look back on this and realize it made me stronger. And I’m sure there is some grand plan in this universe that I am aimlessly approaching. One day, this will all make sense. For right now, I’m tired.