Thoughts… Of Memories

You creep into my thoughts.
Go dancing through my mind.
Memories of a used to be from an old forgotten time.
I can see that smile, and I remember those brown eyes.
The way they looked that night under a clear September sky.
I can’t forget you. No matter how hard I try.
I can’t believe you still control my mind.
Memories come flooding in when I least expect them to.
Then you’re all I see, everything is you.
That song on my radio. The stranger in the store. The southern breeze blowing in. I can’t take it anymore.

©2016

This Place 

I came to get some peace and quiet, perhaps a calming release. 

But all I have found is sadness in all these memories. 

We used to meet for a stolen kiss, a long embrace, and a chat. 

Now these trees whisper your voice, and I’m not not sure I can handle that. 

How did you mark this place and force it to hold you here? 

Retelling all the memories like daggers in my ear?

©2017

The Next Year of My Life

We all know that on New Year’s Eve, everyone makes resolutions for what they intend to change in the coming year. I think that’s interesting, but it doesn’t make sense to me. It’s not your next year, it’s just the next year. Your next year begins the day after your birthday. That is technically the next year of YOUR life.

Well today is my birthday. So I have been thinking about what I want to do differently in MY next year. For my next year I have a few things that need to change. So I have compiled a list.

  • More gym time. Stop making excuses and go.
  • Less saying yes, more saying no.
  • More me time.
  • More writing.
  • More positive thinking.
  • Go to bed at a decent hour.

Now let me explain. I was going to the gym pretty regularly. Then I got sick with the flu. I kept putting it off then it became a thing of the past. I want to go back. Less saying yes, more saying no. This is because I am constantly being asked by everyone to go here, go there, do this, do that. I always say yes in order to please everyone else. But then it cuts into my time. SO NO MORE! I need me time. I need time for my obligations.

Going to bed at a decent hour may help me get up earlier. That will also give me more “me” time. And more writing time. I try to remain positive. But chronic illnesses are a bitch. Seriously. I’m hurting all the time anymore. It’s like the good days are few and far between.

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This was an actual fortune of mine. So it just fit.

I am focusing on school right now as I look for the perfect job. But tonight I will finish my school work early, go to bed, and pray that I can get up early in the morning. Then, once the kids go to school, it’s the gym for me. When I get back home from the gym I can do more school work. This weekend will be busy celebrating my birthday with friends and family; they insisted. But tomorrow is the first day of my next year and I plan to make it great.

What’s your plan for your next year when you finish your current trip around the sun?

~Kristen

Sleep is Overrated

Ya know, a lot of people in this world suffer from insomnia, caused by various things. Me, well I have chronic migraines and fibromyalgia. I also think my brain is way too overactive!! Now the docs wonder if the migraines and fibro caused the insomnia, or if my insomnia has caused the migraines and fibro to be worse. Well honestly, I couldn’t care which one caused the other. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with any of it.

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But when the house is quiet, I can think. I completed some work for college (my Masters program) and was able to write a blog post earlier. Now I’m sitting at the computer listening to my music, wishing I had the magic secret to get rid of all of my ailments.

I’m waiting for the approval for botox (for the migraines) but the nurse said that could take months. Thanks insurance company. The fibro is pretty well managed, at least the nerve pain. The weakness, fatigue, muscle spasms, and all the other fun stuff are still here. But I manage. I think the migraines bother me more than the fibro because they never leave. At least the fibro only hits me hard when I’ve done too much. I mean it’s always there, don’t get me wrong. But some days I can be pretty productive even with the fibro pain. The damn migraines drive me insane though.

I read earlier about a woman that suffered from migraines for so long that she took her own life. I can say, as sad as it is, that I can relate. The pain is unbearable. The lack of proper treatments is unreal. The doctors think we are pill seekers. (Or radiation seekers…that’s for another post!) Nobody can understand the pain involved, the nausea, the dizziness, the sensitivity to every damn thing, and the frustration we feel when we can’t do something we want to do, unless they have been through it too.

And there are so many triggers! Food, scents, lights, colors, it’s unreal. I cannot pinpoint one thing that causes mine. The triggers seem to change from day to day.

June 16th will be 2 years with a constant headache, and migraines at least 5-6 days a week. Yeah, you read that right. My head hurts constantly. The one or two days I don’t have a migraine are the days I recover from the week long struggle. And I got a letter from a lawyer hired by my insurance company. They want to be sure no third party is responsible for my treatment such as an employer or car insurance company. See, they think I was involved in some kind of accident.

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Perhaps they should check my medical records. It’s well documented. I went to bed on June 15, 2015 perfectly fine. I woke up on June 16, 2015 with a terrible migraine. And it never, ever left! There was no accident. No work injury. I woke up like this. I guess they don’t believe me. Well join the list of others that don’t believe me. Sometimes I think my family doesn’t even believe me.

Believe me, this is all too real. I mean, who the hell would want to fake this? Get real!

Well, after all that, I suppose I will try to sleep.

~Kristen

Country Songs: The Real Struggle

So, I was thinking…there seems to be a country song for everything. Hear me out. I really think this is worth thinking about. How many scenarios are covered by country music?

  • Partying with friends
  • Helping friends
  • Falling in love
  • Breaking up
  • Getting revenge after breaking up
  • Seeing that person after the breakup, especially with someone else
  • Losing loved ones
  • Cheating (all angles are covered here!)
  • Appreciating your Momma
  • Remembering the good times
  • Working through the bad times

And that really got me thinking about the impact of music on our emotions. So here’s a little “pretend” story to help you understand what I mean.

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy, too. Boy sends girl a link to a song and says it makes him think of her. So she listens to said song over and over again, burning the song to a disc so she can listen in her truck (or car), setting it as a ringtone on her phone, and just enjoying every second of listening to the song.

Then boy hurts girl. They stop speaking. Now that song comes on the radio and hits her right in the heart. It makes her think of what he said. How every lyric seemed to fit their feelings. How the music made her happy, but now it makes her sad. Then girl hears songs on the radio that make her think of the boy. Then there’s also songs about the betrayal she feels because of how things ended. And these songs eat away at her. They make her wish she could go back to those times. Back to that boy. Even after the hurt, she wants him.

How is it that every damn song on the radio makes that girl think of that boy? Then the girl wonders how many times he has thought the same thing about her. Then girl wants to see the boy, or talk to him, or even find out where the hell he’s been. Then girl seems like a stalker for riding by his house! Remember, this is all pretend!

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How do these song writers know exactly what to write to make these songs so connected to our emotions? And it’s like every single lyric fits? Has anyone else considered this? What is one song that really hits you in the heart? One that seems to never stop hurting even years later? One whose lyrics fit the situation? One whose melody drives you crazy? And makes you think of that one person you used to know. And it hurts. But you torture yourself anyway and listen to it over and over.

I do that all the time. Apparently I’m a glutton for punishment. From that opening note until it fades at the end, I listen to that damn song over and over. I know every word. Hell, I even know every time the artist takes a breath during the song!!

And, full disclosure, it’s not just one song. It’s several. It’s like the entire relationship from start to finish had a soundtrack. From the early on flirting to the eventual end, there’s a song for everything. Many of which he sent! So of course I think he’s probably thinking of me too. Of course I know damn well he still listens to that first song. Unless he stopped listening to country. Ha. Maybe for a little while. But it always brings you back. That’s what good music does. It brings you back. Back to the moments of your life when music was all you had. Back to the moments when you thought you had so much, only to learn it was all made up.

Hell, now there’s even a song by Blake Shelton that talks about “that song”. Ya know, the one you can’t get away from. The one that makes you think of that special someone. If you’d like, you can listen to that by following the link here.

If for any reason, that guy reads this, perhaps he will come across it on the internet, I’d say, “too bad you weren’t a better man” (which is also a country song, folks). If you were a better man, I would not be hurting years later…because nothing would have ever happened between us. But you weren’t a better man, and things happened. However, you didn’t “Stay” (also a song!). And now I have been through years of trying to heal a broken heart. But I’m getting “Stronger” (are you seeing a theme here, folks?).

Well, I’m outta here for now. Good night! Cheers!

**Edit: If you’re wondering what you did, you did this. Yeah, that’s a song too, people! LOL. Follow these links I’ve shared with you. Listen to the music. Break out the wine or the whiskey. Let yourself get lost in the music.

***Additional edit: I used to love you sober. (Google it).

~Kristen

Lust

Life isn’t always what it seems. 

She’s not the woman of his dreams. 

She cannot break free of her past. 

The thoughts, the urges, who knows if this will last. 


She never was the girl next door. 

And they all just keep coming back for more. 

Leave her alone, she wants to change. 

Stop tempting her with lustful rage. 

~Kristen