Thoughts of you, my muse.
Stirring like poison in the caldron of my brain.
Like a wrecking ball.
Breaking down the walls.
Crashing through my solace.
What brings you here again?
Have you come to join the madness?
Are you looking for my love?
It’s right there where you left it.
That dirt road in the woods.
Heart still pumping hard for you.
Laying broken on the ground.
If you go back there you’ll see
all the memories of me.
I hope it crushes you.
I want your heart to bleed.
Hi guys. It’s been a little while. I’m trying to write everyday, but as you can probably guess, most of it is in a journal and not published here. I am still trying to figure out what I want to say. And I’ve got nothing.
My computer crashed last week. It felt like someone lopped off my arm. Seriously. I had no idea how close of a relationship we had until that little joker (I want to use so many other words here) decided it wanted to just quit on me. Gave up. Like all the rest. Anyway, that’s a story for another day.
Thankfully, I spent a great deal of money a few years back to buy my kids an all-in-one desktop. So guess who has it now? LOL. I think I will buy them a new one instead of replacing my crappy laptop. We shall see.
I’ve been letting a lot of thoughts float around in my head. I will get a word here and there….then nothing. I cannot seem to string things together. I’ve got nothing.
Do you ever feel like that? Like you have so much yet nothing at all? That’s how I feel sometimes. Like all that I have, all that I own, still adds up to nothing. It’s a strange feeling, actually. I feel myself going through something. I’m just not able to figure it out right now. I’ve got nothing.
Stay tuned. Perhaps I will share some recent poetry tonight. After lecture that is!
Lately I’ve noticed many people asking “Why?”; Why do you like/love me? Why do you want to be in my life? Why this, why that. And I’m wondering why we need to ask why? Ok, so I realize how silly that is. I want to know why people want to know why. But seriously, what has happened in our society that we constantly seek validation from others?
Can we not be secure enough in our relationships (friendships, family, intimate, etc.) without seeking that constant affirmation? What has society done to us as a species? I cannot understand why me saying “I like/love you” is not enough for the person to be content or secure in the relationship. Do the reasons I like you really matter? Wouldn’t it be more productive to ask what I don’t like about you? Then you could work on those things to better yourself! Right? For instance, if a friend says, “I don’t like the way you treat your mom”, that could be a chance for you to reevaluate the relationship with your mother and your actions could be adjusted to improve the relationship.
I’m not suggesting going to your friend and giving them a laundry list of things to fix. I’m talking about really considering what that person could do that will lead to greater happiness and fulfillment for them. Things that will improve their relationship with you and with others in their life.
Human interaction is inevitable and we all have issues with those interactions that cause us stress. Why spend so much time stressing over why someone likes you? Accept their “I love you” and be content with the fact that they do. I blame social media for the constant need for validation. People constantly seek attention on social media hoping to see how many “likes” they get, how many shares or comments or whatever. It’s all so pointless to me. I personally use social media like Facebook and Instagram. But I rarely worry about who likes what I post. I post things to either show my family my children’s accomplishments or to share my thoughts on a topic. Never have I thought “Gosh, I really hope I get at least 20 likes on this picture”. And I have never felt less beautiful if my picture only got 2 likes (most likely my sister and my mom!).
I just worry that our society is so worried about pleasing everyone else, that we are losing sight of what truly matters. Our happiness should come from within, not from the validation of others. If you don’t like me, well that’s your issue, not mine. If you would like to offer a constructive piece of advice, I will surely take it into consideration. Perhaps you see something in me that needs to be changed or reevaluated. I will surely appreciate anything like that. But I’m not going to question why someone likes me. I’m going to be happy with the fact that they do.
Happiness from others should only be the icing on top of the happiness cake you already baked for yourself!
So, I’ve been working more on my book. Not nearly as much as I should be, to be honest. But I think I know why I have struggled with it so much. I really feel that the topic of the book is such a taboo subject, it may not be received well in certain groups. That frightens me! Majorly frightens me. But I have to get out of my comfort zone. I have to write the story that I have in my head (and heart) and get it out there. Who cares if it’s not for everyone? Who cares if I am judged for the topic of choice? Many authors before me have been judged for what they choose to write. Whether it’s fiction, non-fiction, fantasy, or otherwise.
I have to realize I am not writing for everyone. I am writing for me. I am writing because I have a story I want to tell. It is a healing process for me. A way to get the story inside of me out. And just because certain groups may not approve of the character or her motives, there will be some groups that will. This story may be what a lonely, broken soul needs to read in order to realize she is not alone in this world. Perhaps that is my purpose here on this Earth-to help others realize they are not their mistakes.
Back to writing…..have a great day!
It’s no secret that I have made some terrible choices in life. But I’m trying to make the most of my time here on Earth. I have loved the wrong people, mistreated the good ones, and I have learned lessons from everyone.
I want to be the woman my parents brag about to their friends. I want to be the mom that my children are proud of. The mom that my children know will always be there for them no matter what. I want to be the friend that everyone says was always dependable, compassionate, and kind. I want to be the employee that gives her all at her job. I want to make a difference in the lives of everyone I meet.
I have been told recently, by more than one person, that I have inspired them to do more. To go back to college. To take that leap into the unknown. To write. To create. Whatever the case may be, I love that I inspire people. I love knowing that my words and my advice have lifted those people to the next level in their lives.
It make take me a while to become the woman I want to be. But I am well on my way toward that goal. Thank you all for always reading my work and giving feedback. I greatly appreciate those friends I’ve made along this journey.
From the bottom of my heart, Thank you.
I want to hear a song on the radio and not cry.
I want to be able to drive down the road and not wonder if I’m going to see your truck.
I want to not be broken anymore.
I want to taste my favorite wine and not imagine your kiss.
I want to go to my favorite spot and not hear your voice whispering through the trees.
I want to not be broken anymore.
I want to watch the leaves change in Autumn and not be reminded of the day you said goodbye.
I want to feel the crisp, fall air and not remember how it had to dry my tears that day.
I want to not be so broken anymore.
I want to be able to walk with confidence again.
I want to be able to grocery shop without anxiety.
I want to not be broken anymore.
I want to know that you’re happy.
I want to know that someday I will be too.
I was shocked. I hadn’t seen you for years. And then there you were; in the dairy section at Walmart. I kept staring because I couldn’t believe it was you. Your hair was pulled back; I like it better down. Like that night I showed up at your house. You were fresh out of the shower and smelled like heaven. She didn’t see you. She didn’t notice that I was staring at you while she was talking to me. She doesn’t notice anything I do. Why do you think I’m so unhappy?
Yes, it was hard seeing you again. I didn’t know I still felt these things for you. I didn’t know that I would be so captivated by your eyes. Damn that look of yours. It’s so intense. That look of longing. That look that says, “Take me right here, right now”. Why do you look at me that way? Why would you still want me after what I did to you?
I miss your kisses. They were so incredible. I would have given anything to kiss you right then and there. And those jeans, damn you must paint them on. I love the way they show your curves. I noticed your walk is still the same. Drawing attention with every step. Do you realize what that does to me? I bet you do.
The whole way home I thought of you. I didn’t know why you left the store in such a hurry. Why didn’t you stay longer so I could see you a few more times? Why did the last thing I saw have to be that ass walking away from me? Your tan back showing in that tank top you were wearing. God, all I’ve done is think about you. I guess that’s all I will ever have; memories of you. And wondering when I will see you again.
**Note: this post was written as a “response” to a previous post. It was suggested by a follower. Please refer to the post “I Saw You Again” to read my perspective. Thanks!