Girl, Unwell

“Scars are souvenirs you never lose”

Never has that line meant so much to me. Never did it ring more true. And while they may fade over time, and may not always be visible to others, my scars are a constant reminder to me.

“The past is never far”

At first I counted days gone by, then weeks, then months. Eventually it will be years since my surgeries. But the past, this past, is never far behind me no matter how much time passes.

“Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?”

I think so. I think I lost myself somewhere on this journey. I have tried so hard to remain positive. To be the old me. To be strong for everyone around me. Even on my worst days I still give and give and I feel like I have reached my limit. I cannot keep pretending that I’m her. I’m not her anymore. I am a new person. A person with limitations. A person with boundaries. A person with a smidge of selfishness. I have to be this way because my healing, my recovery, is #1 right now. I don’t always like this new person. With memory issues. With problems with cognitive functioning. But this is me. This is who I have become. So if I’m lost, fine. Don’t look for me. You won’t find me in any of the usual places.

**The top 3 block quotes are from the song entitled Name by Goo Goo Dolls**

Those lyrics really touch me. Stir something inside of me. They inspired this post. But while I was writing it, this song by Matchbox 20 came on. And it doesn’t necessarily say it better, but every word, every line is something I’ve felt here lately.

“Unwell” by Matchbox 20

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I don’t know why

[Chorus]

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be…me

I’m talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I’ve lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I’ve been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re taking me away

[Chorus]

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I’m just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I’m just a little unwell

I don’t know how to close this post. I feel so different than I was before and I don’t much like this person. I can’t spend forever pretending to be someone that I’m just not anymore. She had a good run, the old me. But she’s gone now. I’m sorry.

Kristen

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