As I trudge through this recovery process, what I once thought was a normal part of recovery, I’ve now learned is something permanent. That realization is soul crushing. There aren’t words to describe what it has done to my spirit. As a graduate student of psychology, I am fully aware of the implications of what my life looks like now. While I am not happy to let it define me, I fear I have no choice. I fear I will be stuck at this impasse; unable to break free from the restrictions now placed on me through circumstances and events beyond my control.
My sense of humor isn’t enough this time. It isn’t enough to help me face this. My emotions are raging between anger, fear, frustration, and sadness. I believe that I will eventually find a way to adapt and overcome, as I am a resilient woman. But currently, I am a mess. I will allow myself to be a mess until I find a way to pull myself through this. As this progresses, I’ve seen that I am in most of this alone; with few friends sticking by my side. I will get through it. I will eventually find some way to manage my life as it is now. Just give me your positive vibes. I just need the good energy right now.