As I was talking to my friend yesterday, a thought hit me. Will I ever NOT be the girl that had 3 brain surgeries? Of course not; I can’t change the past. It has happened and I must learn to accept it. But I think my biggest thing is when will everyone look at me and not associate me with my medical chart?
Will my life ever go back to normal? Will I always be viewed as the girl that had so many surgeries back to back? Or will I eventually go back to being just me?
Living in a small town, it’s normal for people to know pretty much everything that happens. It’s not uncommon for people to know what happens with my family, especially since the increase in the use of social media. Hell, I have been openly discussing my health issues here and on fb. And I’m definitely not complaining about people knowing and people being concerned. I’m just wondering how long to expect the reactions I get to people seeing me out and about living a normal life.
What are you doing out of the house?
How are you feeling?
How are things going?
When is your next check up?
Did the surgeries fix you?
Those are examples of the most common things I hear when I leave my house. Again, I’m not complaining. I realize people are genuinely concerned. I went through an unexpected hell and as I said, it was pretty public on social media between me and my family and friends.
My question is: when will it change? How long can I expect to just be “the girl who had 3 brain surgeries”? Has this now become part of my identity? I’ve now started to wonder if when I walk away from someone in the store if the conversation continues with whomever they are with. Things like “oh she had 3 brain surgeries. She had this or that or whatever”…. Is that weird? Am I being paranoid? Probably. But I guess this is part of the recovery process.
As stated in a previous post, I’m dealing with adjustment disorder. I’m having difficulty accepting what happened and learning to live with all aspects of life that were impacted. I guess part of that is my identity as a person. How I feel others view me. How I view myself. Each day I go back and forth with these issues. Each day my feelings towards myself change. One day, it should get better. I hope, anyway.