24 hours after my first surgery, I was sitting in the ICU alone. It was a quiet afternoon and I was feeling pretty good for just having surgery. But it took just few moments in time to totally change my mood and consequently set off every alarm and bring not just my nurse but ALL the ICU nurses running into my room!
Concerned and prepared for the worst, my nurse reached my room ready to revive me. Once she noticed I was sitting up and obviously not in major distress, she told the other nurses they didn’t need to stay. But she insisted on knowing what I was reading on my phone that caused my heart rate to increase enough to make the alarms go off. While we both caught our breath and calmed ourselves, I explained what I had been reading and handed her the phone.
Once she read the texts and fb messages I had received from 2 people, she completely understood the reason for my incredibly high heart rate! Turns out the man I had been dating for a few months, who had given me many red flags which I subsequently ignored, had actually been working out things with his ex. And he had been for a while. She told me. Then when I asked him, he told me something that I will likely never, ever forget. I won’t repeat it using his verbiage, but he was wishing me gentle intercourse with a chainsaw. Still not sure how that’s possible, but ok.
Um, ok…. Please tell me what I did wrong in this situation other than tell you to go to hell once I read the message from your “ex” explaining what she felt I needed to know about you? 🤔 But I didn’t actually reply. I didn’t know what to say to his text…. Or hers. Although I did tell her to keep him away from me because I deserve better!
The point of this post is this. I learned that day just how strong I am. I learned that day that he wasn’t there for me during my toughest time in life and he would never be worth my time. I learned that even going through a situation that is beyond imaginable, I was doing it alone and I was going to be okay.
So each time I feel scared, worried, alone, or any number of negative emotions, I remind myself of that day. Not to torture myself. But to remember how strong I have become. To remember the day when I didn’t think I could feel anymore alone but I grew as a woman. My strength now, compared to 6 months ago, is immeasurable.
I faced brain surgery 3 times now. But I faced that first one without his support. I found out 24 hours after that scary operation that he had never truly loved or supported me. And I made it. I made it 3 times now. Without him. Without needing anyone. And damn it I will face the rest of my life alone, if need be. Until someone comes along that can truly appreciate and respect my strength and determination and the woman I have become, I will face life alone. And that’s 100% fine by me.