Empty

My heart is empty, the tears are gone.

I’m left with a void, they were wrong.

Time has healed nothing, my hurt remains.

It’s just an emptiness, not the same dull pains.

I’ve lost your memory, it slipped away.

I miss you still, to this very day.

I cannot cry, for my tears have dried.

Four long years I have tried and tried.

I hurt today for the woman I was.

The woman you damaged, did you even think once?

That the pain you inflicted would last this long?

That I would end up being the one called wrong?

© Kristen Ruchalski 2017

 

 

Kismet? Or Something Else?

Mesmerized by his eyes

and the dark side that he hides.

His words, like honey, flow through my brain.

Sweet and full of substance.

Never an empty word.

He fills the spaces with thoughts to ponder.

He sends my mind reeling to another dimension.

I become a dreamer and find myself mystified by his nature.

He is something I have never experienced.

I just want to know him on every level.

I want to explore the human condition with him.

He sends this energy through me with written word.

I cannot understand this.

Who is this man?

What is his purpose for me?

~Kristen Ruchalski

10/20/2017

Reflections

While exploring WordPress, I came across a lovely blog, Rigpa, and blogger by the name of Mitesh Jain. I found this questionnaire and wanted to answer the questions and share with all of you so that you may do the same. I felt that the questions allow us the opportunity to reflect on our pasts and look towards our futures. It’s a great way to determine what we treasure and where we can improve.

You can find the original post here: Knowing Inner Self

This questionnaire’s objective is to provide insight and understanding self.

  1. If life stopped today, what would you regret not doing?

If my life stopped today, I would regret not telling people how I truly feel about them. This goes for the people I love and the people that have wronged me. Some times, it does feel like I’ve let too much slip by in life without insisting on an apology. I just forgive without one. That is a major regret for me.

2. What does your ideal day look like?

My ideal day would be waking up feeling rested (hard to do with fibromyalgia), enjoying coffee on the patio with a slight breeze blowing. My day would include laughs and giggles with my children. Enjoying yummy meals and fun activities throughout the day without the worry of my regular daily stress.

3. What excites you?

I get excited when things seem to be falling in place for me or someone I love. I enjoy seeing other people reach their goals and I hope that my positive energy will bring good things my way.

4. What do you wish you did more of?

I wish I would spend more time working on my novel. I know that I have a great story to tell that will touch the lives of many people. Unfortunately, writing it becomes painful for me because it is based on my own experiences. So, I stop writing for a while.

5. What area of your life, right now, makes you feel the best? Which area makes you feel the worst? Why?

Best: I feel the best about graduating from college with honors and choosing to continue my education. I am currently enrolled in graduate school and I am proud of my determination and perseverance.

Worst: I wish I was working and using my degree. I have the desire to start my career helping those with behavioral health issues. Currently, I feel that I am of no use to the world or the greater good.

6. Who would you love to meet? What would you ask?

I would love to meet (although he’s deceased) Sigmund Freud. He is an idol of mine in the field of psychology. What I would most like to discuss are actually the areas of his theories that I oppose or have been proven incorrect after years of psychological studies.

7. Imagine you’re in your 70’s, what memories would you like to have? What stories do you want to tell?

When I’m in my 70’s I would like to be able to tell my grandchildren stories about their parents as they grew up. I would like to pass on the wisdom I have gained through the years in hopes that they will avoid making poor decisions, yet always reach for their goals no matter how many obstacles stand in their way.

8. What did you want to be when you were younger?

When I was younger I always wanted to be a lawyer, then wanted to be a veterinarian. As I’ve grown, both passions are still high on my list. As a professional in the field of psychology, I intend to fight for policy change as it impacts mental health access in our country as well as the socioeconomic issues that impact behavioral health in our children in this country. I also intend to have a farm where I will practice animal assisted therapies with my clients.

9. If you could travel for free to one place, which would that be?

I would want to travel all over Europe. There is no way I could choose just one particular location. I want to experience Ireland, Poland, Spain, Italy, England, France, etc.

10. When was the last time you did something you love doing?

I write every day. That is what I love and that is what I will continue to do as long as I am able.

11. When was the last time you tried something for the first time?

About a year ago I took my children to Luray Caverns in Luray, VA. We explored one of the country’s most beautiful natural wonders. It was an amazing experience with my children.

12. What habit would you like to create?

I would like to start running again. As a child and teen (even early 20s) I was very active and athletic. Time and disease have taken their toll on my body. I would like to begin to push through the pain and force myself to get back into running. I was always such a peaceful and mind clearing experience and I want to get back to that.

13. With whom do you want to spend most of your time?

Of course, I always enjoy spending time with my children. But lately I have been wanting to spend a lot of time alone with my thoughts. It is helping me to figure out how to heal from my past and plan for my future.

14. What piece of advice would you give to five years old you? Fifteen years old you? Twenty years old you? Right now?

Five year old: Listen to your parents, always. They may seem mean but it’s only because they love you. I know you don’t want to move away from life in the city, but you are going to love living on a farm! Trust me!

Fifteen year old: Slow down, girl! Appreciate every moment with the people you love. And don’t trust that lying boyfriend your brother warned you about! He’s going to cheat on you.

Twenty year old: I know life is tough right now. Being a young, single mother is going to always be hard. But you will reach your goals one day. I promise you!

15. How do you want to be remembered in life?

I want to be remembered as a compassionate person with a good heart. I want to be remembered as a great friend that was always there when others needed me. I want my passion in life to be passed on to my children and I want them to say, “I get it from my Momma”.

I hope you take the opportunity to sit and answer these questions yourself. If you do, please tag me in your post so that I can see your answers as well. Let’s all reflect on our lives and share in the possibilities of wonderful futures!

~Kristen

Bleed For Me, Darling

Dirt Road

Thoughts of you, my muse.

Stirring like poison in the caldron of my brain.

Like a wrecking ball.

You enter.

Breaking down the walls.

Crashing through my solace.

What brings you here again?

Have you come to join the madness?

Are you looking for my love?

It’s right there where you left it.

That dirt road in the woods.

Heart still pumping hard for you.

Laying broken on the ground.

If you go back there you’ll see

all the memories of me.

I hope it crushes you.

I want your heart to bleed.

~Kristen

9/5/17

©KRuchalski

I’ve Got Nothing

Hi guys. It’s been a little while. I’m trying to write everyday, but as you can probably guess, most of it is in a journal and not published here. I am still trying to figure out what I want to say. And I’ve got nothing.

My computer crashed last week. It felt like someone lopped off my arm. Seriously. I had no idea how close of a relationship we had until that little joker (I want to use so many other words here) decided it wanted to just quit on me. Gave up. Like all the rest. Anyway, that’s a story for another day.

Thankfully, I spent a great deal of money a few years back to buy my kids an all-in-one desktop. So guess who has it now? LOL. I think I will buy them a new one instead of replacing my crappy laptop. We shall see.

I’ve been letting a lot of thoughts float around in my head. I will get a word here and there….then nothing. I cannot seem to string things together. I’ve got nothing.

Do you ever feel like that? Like you have so much yet nothing at all? That’s how I feel sometimes. Like all that I have, all that I own, still adds up to nothing. It’s a strange feeling, actually. I feel myself going through something. I’m just not able to figure it out right now. I’ve got nothing.

Stay tuned. Perhaps I will share some recent poetry tonight. After lecture that is!

~Kristen

 

Validation: Why do we all need it?

Lately I’ve noticed many people asking “Why?”; Why do you like/love me? Why do you want to be in my life? Why this, why that. And I’m wondering why we need to ask why? Ok, so I realize how silly that is. I want to know why people want to know why. But seriously, what has happened in our society that we constantly seek validation from others?

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Can we not be secure enough in our relationships (friendships, family, intimate, etc.) without seeking that constant affirmation? What has society done to us as a species? I cannot understand why me saying “I like/love you” is not enough for the person to be content or secure in the relationship. Do the reasons I like you really matter? Wouldn’t it be more productive to ask what I don’t like about you? Then you could work on those things to better yourself! Right? For instance, if a friend says, “I don’t like the way you treat your mom”, that could be a chance for you to reevaluate the relationship with your mother and your actions could be adjusted to improve the relationship.

I’m not suggesting going to your friend and giving them a laundry list of things to fix. I’m talking about really considering what that person could do that will lead to greater happiness and fulfillment for them. Things that will improve their relationship with you and with others in their life.

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Human interaction is inevitable and we all have issues with those interactions that cause us stress. Why spend so much time stressing over why someone likes you? Accept their “I love you” and be content with the fact that they do. I blame social media for the constant need for validation. People constantly seek attention on social media hoping to see how many “likes” they get, how many shares or comments or whatever. It’s all so pointless to me. I personally use social media like Facebook and Instagram. But I rarely worry about who likes what I post. I post things to either show my family my children’s accomplishments or to share my thoughts on a topic. Never have I thought “Gosh, I really hope I get at least 20 likes on this picture”. And I have never felt less beautiful if my picture only got 2 likes (most likely my sister and my mom!).

I just worry that our society is so worried about pleasing everyone else, that we are losing sight of what truly matters. Our happiness should come from within, not from the validation of others. If you don’t like me, well that’s your issue, not mine. If you would like to offer a constructive piece of advice, I will surely take it into consideration. Perhaps you see something in me that needs to be changed or reevaluated. I will surely appreciate anything like that. But I’m not going to question why someone likes me. I’m going to be happy with the fact that they do.

Happiness from others should only be the icing on top of the happiness cake you already baked for yourself!

~Kristen

Struggling

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Hi everyone,

So, I’ve been working more on my book. Not nearly as much as I should be, to be honest. But I think I know why I have struggled with it so much. I really feel that the topic of the book is such a taboo subject, it may not be received well in certain groups. That frightens me! Majorly frightens me. But I have to get out of my comfort zone. I have to write the story that I have in my head (and heart) and get it out there. Who cares if it’s not for everyone? Who cares if I am judged for the topic of choice? Many authors before me have been judged for what they choose to write. Whether it’s fiction, non-fiction, fantasy, or otherwise.

I have to realize I am not writing for everyone. I am writing for me. I am writing because I have a story I want to tell. It is a healing process for me. A way to get the story inside of me out. And just because certain groups may not approve of the character or her motives, there will be some groups that will. This story may be what a lonely, broken soul needs to read in order to realize she is not alone in this world. Perhaps that is my purpose here on this Earth-to help others realize they are not their mistakes.

Back to writing…..have a great day!

~Kristen