I guess I was just too much. Too loving. Too strong. Too resilient. Some people don’t like that. Some people can’t handle that.
I guess I was just too much. Too much woman for a small minded man. Too strong for a weak man. Too much of myself for a man still searching for himself.
I guess I was just too much. Too outspoken. Too opinionated. Too loud. Too bold. Too powerful. Too much.
I guess I was just too much for the man unaware of my offerings. I guess I was just too much for the man too blind to see my beauty. I guess I was just too much for the man too stuck in the past to live in the present moment. I guess I was just too much for the man afraid of the future.
Later this week I will travel 3 and a half hours for additional testing and another visit to a specialist. This specialist, an ENT, will be able to rule out any potential structural issues inside my ear that could be leading to the pain. The neurosurgeon doesn’t think this is the case, but wants to make sure he rules it out before we move forward.
I will have an additional MRI done with and without contrast. Similar to ones I’ve done in the past, but I don’t recall ever having the contrast. I also haven’t ever had one that will show quite as much detail as this one will. This will show thinner cuts which will allow the neurosurgeon to see more detail of the vascular and nerve systems within that area of the brain. We are hoping this will show what he needs to see that will help determine how involved the surgery will be.
I have decided to take this trip alone. Partly because I don’t want anyone else to have to sit around while I’m in the machine and doctor’s offices all afternoon. But also because I am afraid of what will be found and I honestly would rather take bad news alone than with someone else. I’ve always done it that way, so it seems normal to me. I’ve been alone for every other crappy diagnosis, so why not this one, right?
I have this fear, and I know it is based off of a really slim chance, but it’s still relevant in my opinion. I have a fear the doctor will find a tumor compressing all of the nerves and more than just a simple vascular compression. With this fear, one would think that I wouldn’t want to be alone. But I really feel like I wouldn’t want anyone looking at me during my initial reaction to something like that. I would want to process it alone before telling anyone.
I know that the success rate of this upcoming surgery is very high, but I also know that risks exist. As the appointments get closer, and surgery will be decided, I am more and more nervous of the what ifs. I know this particular post is a bit of a whiny mess of words, not really making much sense. Please forgive me. Perhaps I will have something a bit more coherent as the time draws closer.
When you love someone, you will do the most ridiculous things! When they don’t love you back quite the same, or at all, you will reach new levels of ridiculousness. You will look like a fool, to them, to yourself, and at times, to those around you. You will put yourself out there only to have your heart crushed by the inevitable truth that they just don’t love you the same, or at all.
Love them anyway. People who have been hurt in the past may be a little more difficult to love, but no less worthy of your love. So love them anyway. Love them with all that you have. Show them what love should be. Sure, you have to learn at some point when to stop pushing for something that may not be meant to be. And finding that fine line may be difficult. But don’t give up. Love that person anyway. Even if just from a distance. And if you decide that it’s best to walk away, you can still love them. Nobody can make you stop doing that. Love them anyway.
Understand that their inability to receive your love is not a reflection of you, but a reflection of all that they are struggling to overcome. As humans, we inherently crave love. We seek out those that we find can provide us with the comforts of a loving relationship. But some people have been damaged by the toxicity of their pasts. Those people are the ones that deserve a little more love.
I’m not telling you to give so much of yourself and get nothing in return, time after time. I am telling you to be patient and understanding. If the person you love tells you they love you, but they are struggling with demons of whatever kind, be patient with them. That is part of the deal. Learning to be patient, considerate, and compassionate are all difficult things when you feel like it should come as easy for them as it does for you. I get that. Trust me! It just isn’t that easy for some. Not after some of the things people have gone through.
I write these words as a woman that is very difficult to love, or at least I once was. Now, I’m the woman trying so desperately to be patient with the man I love while he figures out how he wants to move forward; scarred from his past. And I think of all the times people gave up on me because I was a little more difficult than they thought I should be. I won’t be that person. I won’t give up on him.
Friday I was informed that I am going to need brain surgery. More invasive surgery than previously discussed. And it is a scary, hopeless feeling. What if something goes wrong? What if it doesn’t even fix the issue? Plus a million more questions. Friends have told me to think of the positives. To look for the end result. And to consider that if it’s fixing an issue, then just go for it. But those friends are not able to speak from their own personal experience. They aren’t the ones that will lay on that table while strangers slice them open, remove a piece of their skull, and go digging around extremely close to their brain stem! I don’t know if you realize just how essential the brain stem is; oh ya know, just essential for LIFE!!
And what about recovery? My kids? Work? Life on a regular basis during my recovery? Who will help me? Who will care? The questions are swirling and won’t let me rest. I’ve gone from tears to laughter. Tears because of the fears and laughter because of the stories I will tell a year from now when someone notices my scar that I will be rocking. Shark bite? Nah, too played out. Jumped by a gang of clown ninjas? Maybe!
Thanks for reading my random and scattered rambling. This is the first of many posts as I trudge down this new path. I’m not sure why these cards have been dealt, but I do know that these nerve conditions picked the wrong girl!
**Image is my own.
When you realize your worth, you laugh at those that didn’t see it. You pity them for missing out on all the awesomeness that is you. Yes, of course you mourn for the “what could have been”. But you look ahead at what will be!
We have formed these ideas in our minds of what could be. And we get excited about the possibilities. We begin to feel like we are finally heading in the right direction. Being led to our destiny. And then the crash. The realization that we aren’t going to have what we thought we would. That moment when the truth hits is like a knife in the chest; a punch in the gut. Why couldn’t they have just followed through? Those fears that held them back have now crushed your dreams. It’s a terrible feeling. I know.
Moving on, though, is a beautiful thing. When you can feel yourself getting stronger each day. When you can finally hear that song or see that person on social media without feeling weak inside. When you can feel your strength building little by little. One day at a time. When you realize you are worth far more than you ever knew. When you see what you should have seen all along. And then you apologize to yourself. You need to make it a point to do that. Apologize for being blinded by love. Apologize for the way you viewed the world through rose colored glasses and ignored every red flag your inner self tried to point out. Apologize for being human. For wishing and dreaming of what would never be. But warn yourself, it’s probably going to happen again. And that’s OK!!
Too bad they were too scared of what could be. It could have been amazing. But what is to come will surely be better. Because now you are wiser. Do not put yourself down for trusting the wrong person. And do not allow that person to influence the way you view the next person. Do not hide away, either, my darling. Do not cut yourself off from the next possibility. Live your life one moment at a time. Allow things to happen, both good and bad. Because that is the beauty of life.
Do you realize just how difficult it is to come to terms with the fact that someone wasn’t truly who you thought they were? To find out that the person was lying or pretending the entire time? It’s a gut wrenching feeling to think that all the words they said that warmed your heart were nothing but bullshit. It’s a horrid thought to think that they were laughing behind your back the entire time. It’s embarrassing and hurtful and humiliating.
We need to do better, folks! We need to stop hurting people just because someone else hurt us! I have done it. I have been guilty of this myself. I have allowed my unhealed wounds to bleed all over another person. An innocent person. And it isn’t fair. I know that now. And even though I know better and try to do better, occasionally things slip past my radar and I am the one left covered in the blood of another person’s old wounds.
It hurts. It hurts like 10,000 knives ripping through my flesh, carving through my bones, on the way to my tender heart. Hurt people hurt people. Say it again, hurt people….hurt people. If you are hurting, please heal yourself. Stop allowing your open wounds to drip the misery onto a new relationship or interaction with someone that had nothing to do with your pain.
A couple weeks ago I visited my rheumatologist to discuss my fibromyalgia. I haven’t had too many “bad” days, so it was just a routine visit to discuss meds and whatnot. He informed me that a new medicine I was on (prescribed by neurologist) would likely lower my white cell count causing me to have difficulty with fighting off infections. Yay me.
Today I got about 40 needles in my face, head, neck, shoulders, and back. These needles, though incredibly painful, allow me to function. They allow me to get up out of bed and at least try to be normal. These needles are botox for migraines.
But before the needles happened, I had to discuss some weird side effects from that other medication (mentioned above). I explained to my neurologist what had been going on since increasing the dosage. Skin has been peeling off of my fingers and my feet. I’ve been sick with what feels like the flu. Turns out I am severely allergic to the only medicine that was keeping another chronic condition semi-tolerable. A condition I visit a neurosurgeon about tomorrow. A condition that chose me as one of its few victims this year. Trigeminal neuralgia. So tomorrow I will visit University of Maryland Neurosurgery to discuss surgical options for this pain, also known as the suicide disease.
Have you any idea the fear involved in deciding on a procedure that uses radiation to essentially kill a nerve right where it exits your brain? And even though the pain is the worst I’ve ever felt in my life, this procedure scares the hell out of me! I realize that with the 3 conditions, also known as my pain trifecta, I am not living the life I wish to live. And I want my life back for sure. The risks, though; I’m just not sure I’m ready for them.
At this point, I am not medicated since I had to stop the one and the other makes me way too antsy. I will struggle through one more night of insomnia tonight before making my way on my 3 hour journey tomorrow to see the surgeon. I’m scared.